I was sick. I have been away from my dearest friends and uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with others. I wanted to be alone. I found my mind is the safest and most comfortable place to be with. Not even God can answer my restlessness. I wanted to be alone. Period.
I had sleeping difficulties for months. I had weird timing of sleeping, and it ruined my health mentally and physically. It has worsened my situation. These three months have been tough for me. At the beginning of January, God showed me that I would travel somewhere away from home. I want to stay home and not go anywhere; I am OK and happy to be back in Jakarta. I am no longer interested in traveling, not even checking the flight promotional price, and not interested in renewing my passport. My goal is to stay at home.
However, God is the one who has the sovereignty; when God got plans for us, they will happen no matter what. God directs me to go outside Java island, to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah (Borneo island - Malaysia). This trip is memorable because I have no plans, even with my expired passport. Moreover, I was in an unwell mental condition. Actually, I needed help, but I could not ask for it. I have learned to depend on myself and God all my life.
My coordinator sent me to the Asia Pacific teachers' conference, located in Kota Kinabalu, and one of their topics is librarianship. The school asked me to be there for 4 days, at the same time as our mid-term break. I told my coordinator I might need time to renew my passport, which was done in time. I know I want to spend the Sunday service in the local church. I had an incredible experience having the church service in Kalkuta, Manila, and Singapore before. Therefore, I have to be there earlier before the conference, and I can't waste time postponing visiting Kota Kinabalu.
Thus, the school bought me a flight ticket to arrive early, 6 days before the conference, LOL. Once I arrived in Kota Kinabalu, the first thing to do is to find the church to have my Sunday service. I was looking for the oldest church in town, St Michael in Penampang. I thought it was an Anglican church, but it turned out to be Catholic.
Having the Sunday service there genuinely touched my heart. Because I feel that God truly cares about me. When I feel enough with life, I lock myself out from other people; I want to be alone, but God does not let me do it. He pushed me out of something that I thought was a safe boundary. I feel like God is caring for me, watching me out, holding my hands, always being on my back, telling me, "Titi, you are never alone. I am here." It's truly magnificent.
I, as a human, have measured my capacity as limited, but God raised me up to let me know that together with him, I am saved. God's plans and love are out of our measurement, out of this world. And this is what I believe as a faith. Thank you, Jesus; I love you worth heartedly. You are my foremost and first priority in life. This is my ground zero, and I am ready to return and face the world. In Jesus' name, I prayed. Amen.
I was born and raised as a Christian, however, throughout my life, I experienced God's blessing, and I believe my husband shall be a Jesus follower like me. If he is not a Jesus follower, I will see other men as friends, which has happened for years.
Other deal breakers: disrespectful and abusive men. I will leave men with this kind of quality. No way even they could get into my inner circle.
Christianity as Religion ≠ Jesus Follower
I was once close with a Christian (A), a Catholic (B), and an agnostic who has Catholicism as his religion (C). Initially, I thought everything would be settled and smooth if we were both Christians. I prayed to God about them until God showed me that it was not them.
Those particular Christian and Catholic men failed to show commitment and love for Jesus Christ. They were not ready. Mentally, A only wanted to be in a relationship for eros love and not mature spiritually. Meanwhile, B was abusive. However, it was interesting that I opened the chance to get closer to C. I found that agnostics and atheists have a challenging mindset, and somehow I loved it.
I told C that I could not see our possible future, but he still came and put some effort until we had a conflict about the standard and values of marriage. He wanted his freedom and did not want to listen to suggestions from his (future) spouse even though it is scientifically proven. He wanted to have the attitude of a single man in his marriage, which conflict with my view that marriage is about compromise. He refused to listen to advice from people who loved him. He was stubborn. That was our deal breaker.
I realized none of the three as the 'one.'
The Destiny
So who is the one? This whole moment I thought that God was the one who decided who is our future husband. But if God is the one who chose our spouse, why are there many divorces in Christian marriages nowadays. What went wrong?
I believe God destined us to meet some people in this world for a reason, including the fall in love experience. However, what we will do about that is something up to us, not God. Everything returns to how you pray about your future husband. Do you allow God to be involved as part of the decision maker, or did you say that he is the one you want as a husband and plead God to grant your wish?
Why does he have to be a Jesus Follower, not just a religion?
A person who is a Jesus follower understands what God wants in their life and the purpose of marriage. The worldly people will say that marriage is to have a companion in life, have children, build a family, be happy, to have sex legally. However, the deal breakers might show up if they failed to have children, were unhappy, had more fights, or preferred other sex variations outside the marriage. A divorce is a solution to happiness in this case.
However, Jesus's followers put a higher standard (or impossible) on their marriage: Agape Love. Love is a sacrifice, to accept that the spouse and we are sinful and have a weakness as a human, to compromise in our weakness, and to hold the marriage vow we have in front of God. We might have episodes of a fight, be unhappy, or cry in the marriage, but we grip on God's covenant. That this is a lifetime marriage, and we commit to be God's possession and build a Godly family.
Agape Love
Only the spiritually mature people in Jesus Christ can comprehend the concept of agape love. There is no more love as 'stupid' (or you can say naive) as agape love. You sacrifice and give the best effort you can, genuinely. Marriage is not only what I want, or what the spouse wants, but what God wants. This concept is abstract for people who do not know who Jesus is as God and savior.
Even I recently realized and grasped the meaning of Agape love and its importance in marriage. After 30 years + in my life, I got this enlightenment by pondering what exactly went wrong and why people did divorce. Because it is out of my mind, if people marry because of love, what went wrong? This question has disturbed me for years.
The Spiritual Journey
It is interesting that now I understand that God let me have these 11 years of spiritual learning. I believe my future husband also went through the same journey as me. The fall and rise episodes of our life. The pondering questions why God allowed such things to happen in our lives. If God is here and with me, why do I have to suffer those other challenging life stages?
He learned as much as I learned until God said that we are prepared and ready to meet in our kairos (Godly time). If people asked me before what kind of man I am interested in, I used to answer the intelligent and Christian (religion-based only) man. However, now I realize the priority is now changed: for me to be a Jesus Follower who obeys God's words and learn to love my future husband in agape love.
I find something huge changed in my spiritual journey in these recent years; I learned to understand that God has an excellent pathway for us. You need to have faith and obey. I learned in the most challenging time that even though I want something badly, I always close my prayer by saying, "Thy will be done."
My Will be Done
This world tells us that we can be anything that we want. You are your "god" for yourself. You can do anything; nothing can stop you but you. Life is about "I" or "me." This is what I want, and that's what I will have.
Is this wrong? As part of the positive mindset, it is not bad. However, this 'my will be done' mindset erased God's role and the sovereignty within our life. Will you stop for a while and ask yourself first, is this what I want, or if this is something that God wants to happen in my life?
Do You Want It or Do You Need It?
Interestingly, financial tips usually tell us to check again if we want something or need something before deciding to buy it. Now let us put this perspective into our life. Is this something in your prayer that you wish to be part of the world to possess for your benefit, or do you do it because it's what God wants and for His glory? Now, I see things differently.
The Papua Incident
I found there was corruption happened in my school in Papua, and I had the evidence. However, that removed principal would return as the principal the following school year. I could not accept this and told myself I could not compromise my values and integrity for evil. I decided not to continue working in that school even though there was no new job offer/vacancies at all.
I remember crying in front of my PC in the library when I knew I would no longer work in that school. I prayed that God might open the way for me to find a new job, and I asked God if I still can work in Papua.
It was tough because I love Papua wholeheartedly. I had my spiritual growth in Papua, and I love Papua so much. I wanted to be there in Papua permanently. I thought of building a youth or social community foundation in Papua, but I would begin it from scratch by having none to support me. I applied to several schools in Papua province, looking for a job as a librarian, where I believed that I had a compelling CV. However, none call me, not even for an interview.
I sent some applications also for schools in Malaysia and Singapore and somehow found an international school in Batam (Batam is the border from Indonesia to Malaysia and Singapore). It was challenging to have the interview with my school in Batam because I was in Jayapura, where we had limited internet connection and 2 hours difference.
There was no news from the school in Batam or other schools in Papua, and we had our end-of-school-year departing with the students. In my prayer and frequently crying, I asked God if I could work in Papua. However, I learned to believe in God's plan and always close my prayer by saying, "Thy will be done."
Later, in the mid-week of June, I was confirmed that I was accepted in Batam. They issued my flight ticket and waited for me to arrive at the beginning of July. It was a 'coincidence' that I visited Batam for a project in 2012. Therefore, I already knew what Batam looked like, and going there would not be something to worry about. I told my family about this all things after everything settled down. They did not know about my situation at all. I did not want to make them worry.
Even though I wanted to stay permanently in Papua, God told me that I was needed in Batam. That was what God wanted. True, in my three years in Batam, I evolved. Pustakawan Mendunia was born, I had my spiritual journey, and I found the church that helped me grow. Out of my mind, I won the award as the first winner, Pustakawan Berprestasi Provinsi Kepulauan Riau.
The Scholarship
When I wanted to apply for a scholarship overseas, I asked God if this was something that I wanted or if God desired it. For my part, I did the best for the application and requirements and let the rest upon God. I thought I applied four times to Korea, the USA (twice), and New Zealand, but none even called me for an interview. Was I sad? For sure, I was disappointed. Not even one interview I have been called. However, I wonder if this is something I want or if God's in my life? I reflect again on my motivation why I was applying for the scholarship?
My goal is to foster the love of reading in children in Indonesia. I am not interested in staying permanently overseas because I know the one who needs help is Indonesia's children. I am on the way to that destination through Pustakawan Mendunia. I think having a degree from overseas will be helpful for the growth of Pustakawan Mendunia, and I will gain more expertise in that field and build networking to support its growth.
The Job
Currently, my brother is studying overseas, and it may be difficult for me to leave the country. Someone needs to be in charge of the situation at home, and that's one of the important reasons I think why God opened the door for me to return to Jakarta. I was not looking for a job in Jakarta; I did not want it. I felt like my life was okay in Batam; I got promoted, and I still had challenges to nail for my libraries in Batam. I love visiting Singapore and having the church service there. I have good friends and networking in Singapore and Malaysia. I prefer, and for sure, I want to stay permanently in Singapore. That's what I want.
However, God told me that what I wanted was not what I needed. The job offers came from India, Cambodia, Jakarta, and Australia (the same month I arrived in Jakarta). I prayed for these job offers, and the job offer in Jakarta asked me to be there ASAP. Meanwhile, we were in the middle of the school's accreditation from our international program.
I prayed and said that if this job offer came from God, God would make way for me to return home or lead me somewhere according to God's plan. However, I could not hurt my integrity in my work and leave my school in Batam in the middle of accreditation. Therefore, I rejected the work offer in Jakarta.
God indeed made a way. The job offer was still there for me, and they said to wait for me after I was done with the school accreditation in Batam. Hallelujah. I did not even bother to ask about the salary or facilities offered by that school in Jakarta and to compare because I know no money can buy my integrity.
When the HRD staff from my school in Jakarta told me they would wait for me, I cried in my prayer. Therefore I know that my returning to Jakarta is not something that happened because I wanted it, but because I am needed, God wants me to be closer to my family here in Jakarta.
The Future Spouse
I want him! HAHAHA. However, does God want him to be my husband and me to be his wife?
Part of God's Kingdom and for His Glory
I think from these three stories of my life; that God always shows me that God knows what I need to support God's plan for His Kingdom and glory. My life and pathways are not just happening like that. My pathway is part of God's plan for His Kingdom and glory.
How do you know your pathway according to God's Kingdom and glory? Set up your standard and values in Jesus Christ.
Be honest with yourself. Are your prayers only for material things and your benefit? Are you blinded by your desire and wants? Do you let yourself open your eyes and listen to God's voice about what God wants in your life? Be honest and have the humility that our capacity as human is limited. We can make our best effort but put the rest on God. Have faith that God always knows what the best for us. Close your prayers by saying, "Thy will be done." Wish we shared the same pathway for God's Kingdom on Earth.
Human salvation is a gift given by God. It is not something that can be bought by money, not human effort. My pastor often keeps saying we are saved by grace through faith.
There are two common perspectives of Christians seeing themselves, the one who feels righteous and the one who feels sinful. The one who feels righteous would think that they are okay, follow God's words, give charity, and help people. They do not kill people, do not rape people, do not steal; they are not drunkards, do not have a drug addiction, etc.
Meanwhile, those who feel sinful think there is no more God's mercy. What they have done was too evil; they are cursed, and later on, being ignorant about their salvation, they do not give a f*ck and want to pass day by day, doing their best.
We tend to see the past, regret things that we could not change, and not see any possibility if there is hope, there is a meaning in those painful journeys, and we still can hope to see the bright future ahead. I can write this because I experience it myself.
The Dark Side
I thought about suicide in my teenage and frequently asked myself why I needed to be born in this world? I could not see the future at all. I could only see the present moment and the past. I was away from God; I stopped visiting the church and thought there was no value in attending church. I believe God is everywhere and not limited to a tiny building called a church.
I am blessed to be a strong-minded teen and used my brain to do something beneficial in my future life: reading. Reading and books saved me; at least they distracted my complicated mind into something positive. However, my dark side stayed for years until I worked in Papua.
The Miracle
In Papua, God gave me a second chance. God showed me the experience of being loved completely, unconditionally. I found God's love through my students and the kids I met in Papua. God showed me how this ugly dark evil thought me transformed by God's love. This tiny little dust of me could be a blessing for simple things I shared through my job and voluntary actions in Papua.
This miracle moment, God's second chance, changed me to be a different person. I keep asking myself before doing something if this is something right? If this is something that God wants in my life? I put God into consideration before making decisions. It is totally different compared to the dark side previous me.
The journey is still going on. However, in my time of exile, I read and watched two stories of people from the Bible who also received the blessing of a second chance from God. They are Peter and Paul, the apostles.
Peter Denied Jesus
Jesus was caught in the Garden of Gethsemane by the Roman soldiers. Bible pointed out Peter, who was asked three times if he was one of Jesus's disciples. In this context, Jesus was a political figure under the death penalty, which meant that all who related to Jesus were in danger.
In Luke 22:54-62, Peter denied that he knew Jesus and cried once he realized he did wrong. The different response between Peter and Judas was their repentance. Judas regretted what he was doing and tried to return the ransom money to the pharisee, but the blood money was rejected. Judas could not see any other hope to "fix" what he had done and chose to kill himself.
Meanwhile, Peter expressed his regret by answering Jesus after his resurrection, he said Yes, when Jesus asked Peter to feed Jesus's lambs.
17 He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. (John 21:17).
It was the second chance opened for Peter, and he was devoted to beginning the ministry to spread the good news of human salvation through Jesus Christ.
The Road of Damascus
Paul was the 'bonus' apostle. I believe none of Jesus's disciples thought that the murderer of Christians one day became part of Jesus's followers, the die-through hard fans, and went martyrs for Jesus.
Paul or Saul was a Roman citizen, an educated and devout Jewish, and had an imminent philosopher as his teacher, Gamaliel. He did not believe in Jesus' resurrection and Jesus as a messiah. Therefore, Paul thought that the early churches were a cult and went after them to kill them.
He gave orders and approved the killing of Christians. One day on his way to Damascus, Paul (Saul) saw a bright light and a voice who asked, "Why are you persecuting me?"
That was Paul's second chance! Paul became a devoted Jesus apostle, traveled worldwide, and spent more than 30 years in the ministry of Jesus' teaching. He was the one who convinced Jesus' message to the rest of the early church that salvation was not limited to convert people to be Jewish but for everyone coming from different culture, country, and race.
16 Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. 17 And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. 18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[b] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:16-20).
Paul wrote letters to the early churches in the Galatia, Ephesus, Philippi, Colosse, and Thessalonica. As a scholar, Paul understood Jewish law, experienced himself meeting with Jesus, traveled under death threat by the Jewish community at that time, and cared for the early church growth, which needed spiritual support in the persecution.
It wasn't easy to transport a letter or any written text about Jesus because the Christians were persecuted. Therefore, be thankful for the Bible that you read today. They would not be there for you to be read today if there is no God's grace.
The Gift
Paul, Peter, and many others in the Bible are an example that everyone who does wrong always has a second chance. You are loved completely and unconditionally by God. However, this beautiful moment when you realize it, is personal and revives your life; it's a gift.
I was born and raised in the Christian family, read the Bible, and spent my childhood in Sunday School. However, I did not experience how much Jesus love(s) me until I was in Papua when I was 30 years old. It is truly a gift. Saved by grace through faith. Just like what Paul potrayed in the Paul the Apostle movie, as seen on this YouTube.
I wish you also have that beautiful moment, and remember everyone always has their second, third, fourth, and infinite chances to part from the painful past, mistakes, and guilt. Jesus loves you unconditionally, completely. Love is the only way. God bless you.
I watched Hollywood romantic comedies like You've Got Mail, Kate & Leopold, French Kiss, Pretty Woman, Notting Hill, Autumn in New York, and Serendipity years ago in my teenage. They are my favorite. I think deep inside; there is something left inside me that I am waiting for that special moment to happen in my life.
However, my cousin once said that I shouldn't watch Korean dramas to prevent me from getting too much into romantic feelings rather than using my brain. He told me this golden advice when I was in Papua, maybe around 2017. I have not watched Korean drama or any Holywood romantic drama for five years.
I am busy and have a lot of things to do, and watching movies has never been my priority. I do not need to buy a television in my dorm or subscribe to any movie channel. I might watch blockbuster movies in the movie theater, but something like Joker or Parasite, lol. Therefore, my life is relatively safe from this unuseful thought about romance, etc., for these five years, until..
Yes, 'until'.. You read it well, hahaha.
The Question
At this moment, I am kind of close with this kind-hearted man, and I kept asking myself about my feelings. What is this? Where my value in seeing a relationship is Agape Love, I kept asking myself if this feeling coming from God or what?
Why Do People Fall in Love?
Years ago, I had this depth discussion with my best friend and asked him what made people fall in love? I stared at our motorcycle helmets in his home, and I told him that from many motorcycle helmets in this world, I could not explain why I only liked this (my) yellow helmet. It had lost twice, but I kept buying the same helmet.
Meanwhile, I know in several cases, many people do not get married to people that they fall in love with. Therefore, I concluded that falling in love is a fate, but getting married to whom is your (own) decision. However, I asked again, why? Why do people fall in love with someone they could not be with? Why do people need to fall in love? Why does it have to happen?
I was thinking hard that night; I believed it was around midnight because we were in the middle of working on a project for our community. My friends and I slept over in his home. That me-time and depth conversation at the perfect time inspired me to the answer: God let people fall in love to understand how much God loves you. From a Christian perspective, how much Jesus sacrifices for us. I was in awe when I found the answer.
People say that love makes you stupid, love makes you sacrifice, and for sure, you can never be able to choose with whom you fall in love. You fall in love randomly. You might be with this person for years, not feeling anything at all, or maybe something might happen later. Or else, you just met this person in a brief time, and there will be something. You never know.
Falling in love is destined by God.
Please note that those discussions I had with my best friend happened years ago when I was in Papua. I almost forgot about how significant the falling in love feeling is. I tend to close my heart and prioritize my brain more to protect myself from unnecessary romantic drama. I did it well for five years until love knocked at the door.
Notting Hill
Here in my exile, I watch the movie recommendation by Netflix, two movies that used to be my favorite: Notting Hill and Serendipity. In Notting Hill, William Thacker (Hugh Grant) almost made a mistake by rejecting Anna Scott's (Julia Roberts) love confession.
This is what he said:
"The thing is, with you I'm in real danger. ... but my relatively inexperienced heart would I fear not recover if I was, once again, cast aside as I would absolutely expect to be.... "
William Thacker is me who was afraid to fall in love and perfectly said; I fear that my inexperienced heart would not recover if something terrible happened in the future. I have never been in love, and I better keep my love safe for my future husband.
I kept his lines in my mind and wondered what made William Thacker and Anna Scott fall in love. What exactly truly happened? While listening to When You Say Nothing at All from Ronan Keating as Nothing Hill's OST, I repeatedly think about the question over and over again. The movie told me you could love someone even by saying nothing at all. In the Notting Hill movie, the lead actors never said, "I love you," but they knew each other's feelings.
Serendipity
This movie made the "worst" impact on me.
Seven years after their brief meeting, Jonathan Trager (John Cusack) and Sara Thomas (Kate Beckinsale) could not forget each other. They were in a relationship, but they knew their current partner was not the 'one'.
They were engaged and in the week will get married with different partner, but still, Jon and Sara questioned themselves. If their current partner was the 'one', why did they keep looking for each other, Jon looked for Sara, and Sara looked for John?
It seemed that Jon failed to find Sara, and Sara failed to find Jon, but the two of them were sure that they could not lie to their feeling, and they broke up their engagement with their partner. Later, Jon and Sara found each other again in the ice rink, and everything restarted. What made them crazy about each other, even after seven years? The answer is because they knew!
Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny
Both Jonathan and Sara could get married to their engaged partner at that moment, but was that something that they desired?
Life after the Movie
Now, back to reality, which is life after the 'movie'. Is there such thing as a happily ever after for both couples, William Thacker & Julia Roberts and Jonathan Trager & Sara Thomas? Both of them are married in the movie but will it last? None can answer because it's fiction.
How many people were married because of the feeling of falling in love as the priority? Love comes first. I do strongly agree about that. I also could not imagine being married to someone I do not love. However, seeing the statistics of a divorcee in this current time, should not we ask the same question, why?
If love becomes the first reason and priority of people getting married, what went wrong in the middle of the journey?
If Sara in Serendipity believes in destiny, I believe in God.
Falling in love is destined by God but getting married is your own decision. These are my consideration:
Is there anyone who asked God from all my Holywood favorite movies I have mentioned above?
Do they pray to God?
Do they check what's God will?
Is this man someone 'destined' to be my lifetime partner?
Do we have the same vision in life, having the life with the same purpose to build a Godly family?
None of the movie characters asked these questions, and perhaps neither did we.
The Happily Ever After
This movie stops at the stage where we think it is the happily ever after. But we know the challenges and the life homework are waiting in the marriage, aren't they? This is the ugly truth of reality.
My happily ever after is when I know my "job" in this world is fulfilled, and I am returned to my eternal home, Jesus Christ. The world is full of suffering, but with Jesus Christ, I found my never-ending joy; I have the hope this my short life is worthwhile. Happiness comes from inside me, from how I know myself and see life.
Having a life partner is a bonus; to know that both of us (my future spouse and I) have a lifetime partner to go through this journey together towards God. But my happiness source does not come from other people; it always comes from God. Therefore, I believe it is our responsibility to feel content about ourselves first before we can take care of other people.
You can't hurry and target any marriage for this year, next year, or some years, or get married only to please your parents and society. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and the journey will not be short; it is a long life. Make sure you marry someone you love and both of you have the same direction in life. Getting married because of love only is not enough.
I genuinely hope you also find your happily ever after, and do not afraid to fall in love.
I have asked myself over and over again why it seemed I missed all those 'chances'? From 2011 until 2022, I have never been in any relationship, 11 years already, lol.
It doesn't mean I am not interested in the man or vice versa. I am interested in man, but my logic works well. My first consideration is faith. I was raised as a Christian and truly blessed with how God works through my life. Therefore, if any man tries to get closer to me for romantic purposes, I usually pray about him. I ask God's guidance if he is the 'one.' I pray that God let me to fall in love only for the man who will be my husband in the future. However, most of the time, I rarely realize if this man is interested in me until it is too late. He has already gone.
It seemed that I wore the special glasses, where I couldn't see any man who was not a Jesus follower as a potential husband in the future. It is usually clear from the beginning until I return to Jakarta and think again about what happened between these 11 years.
I asked myself, what happened to me? Where have I been within these 11 years? Which opportunities have I missed? What makes me strict with my decision and not even consider any man my boyfriend? I know many women easily fall in love and have a relationship with anyone, not having these complicated thoughts like me.
Agape Love & Humanity
I was mad at God. Why did God let me miss the opportunities to be in a relationship or get married within these 11 years? Why does none of those men get a "Yes" answer from God to be my husband? Therefore, I opened a chance to get closer to an unbeliever last December. His religion is humanity, btw.
I thought Agape Love in Christianity is similar to this religion of humanity. That we have the same purpose, doing kindness to other people. However, I was wrong. God told me (you read it right 'God told me') that it is different. Humanity's religion does not admit God's sovereignty in people's life. Meanwhile, Love Agape shows us the example of how Jesus's death saves humanity. We have Jesus Christ as our savior, but humanity does not have any faith in him as God and the savior.
I repent because of that 'incident' and commit to putting God as my first priority in many aspects of my life. Within these six months, I experienced a lot of life challenges. Most of all, I have grown both in faith and mind. As part of it, I decided to exile myself for a month in my 'cave' here as part of knowing about myself.
I brought several books with various topics and scopes, and this is what I want to share with you as part of my growth journey of knowing myself .
Emotional Intelligence
This book is written by Daniel Goleman and inspires how important we understand ourselves to bring intelligence to our emotions. I found this book to help to answer my questions about the "vacant" 11 years without any relationship.
First, Goleman told us that our genetics is like a lottery. However, our EI is shaped mainly by our environment and upbringing in childhood. But temperament is not permanent. We can have invasive therapy to change the not fit temperament we have. Just imagine that the brain is like plastic that can be molded. The difference is that it is easier to mold the plastic in childhood than in adulthood. Nothing is impossible.
Second, Goleman showed how the communication inability between the spouses causes many divorce cases. Men and women have different ways of communicating needs, and if there is not enough respect, love, and understanding, it will lead to destruction.
Third, what will happen to the 'unavailable' spouses who have children? They would not be available emotionally for their kids' upbringing. It turned out to be an ugly circle. The lack of love in parenting will lead the children to be adults with many emotional problems, and the process goes around.
Goleman wrote about how EI relates to our brains' growth or parts and how empathy can drive humans to be better people in society. I 'translated' this part in the Christian perspective of how Love Agape drives humans to be better people, right? I put Jesus's love as my role model and compass of empathy. Jesus love motivates me to be able to forgive people and from leave anger to other people. In times of challenges, I am optimistic and hopeful because I know God's plan is always the best.
What Happened If I Were Married 11 Years Ago
It would be a disaster. I just realized that after I finished reading Goleman's book. I was not ready mentally. I do not know who made the society standard to put us as if everyone is prepared for marriage in their 20s.
Goleman's writing shows me that we need mental maturity to be in a marriage and even further to have children. We are talking about raising an additional soul in the Earth's society. What is the point of having neglected children and adding another problem to the world? Not everyone is ready and able to be good parents.
How can you let a new stranger be part of life (and that fast) to be your spouse whom you do not know this person that deep, while you do not even know or understand about yourself first? I do not know how is everyone's spiritual journey, but I find that 11 years not even can answer all my questioning myself.
Marriage is not about profit and loss. Marriage is about loss; you are losing your ego and stubbornness. You learned to compromise. This is not only about you and your spouse, but how the two of you can be happy and grow.
Marriage without growth is a dead end. Everyone will not stay the same, there will be life changes, and we see things differently. How can you communicate it well with your spouse? How can you be sure you can trust this one person to be faithful as your spouse if both of you do not have the same goal and values?
These all understanding come after my 11 years wandering as a single woman. If I had been married 11 years ago without these insights, I believe I am already divorced by this time and might have my neglected children with me. My poor children, they could not choose who their father was. I was the one who failed to select a good father for my children.
This is just an 'if' condition, but it's already broken my heart. How many children worldwide grow up lacking their parents' love and attention? These failed parents are self-centered and only choose their sole happiness without considering their responsibility for another soul, not only providing them the worldly and materialistic things.
God Understands
God understands my inexperienced heart capacity. I know I could not survive mentally if I failed my marriage. Either I would be wild, dead in agony, or might became a lesbian because I stopped to trust a man. I am blessed and thankful that God postponed my marriage for these 11 years. God leads me on the journey of finding myself, loving myself first, and knowing what I really want in a marriage.
Having a spouse is no longer only about being loved or loving a man. He shall be a man with mental maturity and is responsible for being a loving father to our future children. I forgot to pray about this; I only pray to have a faithful husband in Jesus Christ. I have to add another point, to have a husband who can be a loving and responsible parent for our future children.
And if I find anyone else asked the same question as me, about why they haven't married yet, I will suggest them to discover about themselves first. Wait for God's answer patiently, and be mindful that our future children can't choose who their father/mother is. It is up to our choice and decision.
Be patient in your waiting and searching. God bless.
I just finished reading a difficult book called "What is History?" by Edward Hallett Carr. The book was published in 1961 and not written easy-to-read format for current people in 2022. I am so sorry. I would not give any conclusion or promote the book to you, but I will emphasize two exciting points from the book.
The History
Carr told us, "imagine the past remember the future." He shared how historians write history by having no idea about what happened in the past (just prediction), and by considering what happened now and through the future, they have the guideline on where to begin their research and writing.
Reflecting on my previous writing, Know Yourself, this is one thing that I learned about myself: That we are the product of our decisions, nature, and nurture. You will understand more about yourself by learning about your history, where you are coming from, the culture, and family background.
For example, to learn where my feminist perspective comes from, I understand that I am fighting for the patriarchy of Bataknese. By understanding that this is a culture that coming ancient for hundred years, there is nothing much I can do. Therefore, better to decide to limit my Bataknese circle and experiences.
Another thing is to understand why my imperfect parents' characters are like that and how they were nurtured. Finding your family genealogy, understanding who your grandparents are, and the vital, essential factors occured in the family tree can also help you understand your upbringing.
The Values
Carr wrote, "Facts cannot be derived from values... A clue to this problem of facts and values is provided by our ordinary use of the word "truth"-a word which straddles the world of fact and the world of value and is made up of elements of both."
It means we need to be able to see that facts can be seen differently by people with different values. For example, most people of Indonesia can accept the patriarchy because they value that man has to be the leader. Men have the ultimate voice and opinion to be heard; women do not.
The 'Truth'?
Which one is the truth? Men as the ultimate leader or equality between men and women to speak and have an opinion? They are talking about the same concept, the fact of patriarchy. Still, because I reflect on my history and upbringing, I know that I choose the equality of gender in marriage.
Therefore, there is no point in debating the same fact when you know you and the other side have a different value. From the agnostic/atheist perspective, the big bang theory just happened like that, and that's how the universe is there. Vice versa, for me, I believe there is a life after the big bang theory (because Genesis 1: 3 said, "And God said, Let there be light: and there was light."). However, I believe that the universe is here not just happened like that; there is God's purpose.
We talk about the same fact, The Big Bang Theory, but because we have different values, we will interpret this 'fact'/data as our truth (differently). Therefore, I think the world will be better if we appreciate that everyone is different and we have different values in seeing many things in life.
We can't force people to accept the same 'truth' as what we have. We can find the same common ground, that we are talking about the same fact but interpret the fact/data with different values. However, I still emphasize that humanity has some universal moral code, and we can use it as the bridge between our conversations in this diverse community.
Check on Your History
If you want to know more about yourself, recheck your family history and learn where your values are coming from. Life will not be that complicated anymore, and it will be easier for you to accept yourself as it is or if you genuinely want to change your current life. The choice is yours!
I am always blessed to be able to connect to people who are generous, kindhearted, humble, but deep in thought. I never necessarily look for them, but somehow we always find each other. My circle and friends are broad and come from various backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs.
I also like to travel and meet new people, and having a conversation with strangers is effortless. From the hawker streets sellers, security officers, taxi drivers, and so on. However, I always know to whom I might continue the conversation and dig deeper or stop. Therefore, I have a lot of talk memories stored in my head, lol.
Anyway, one or two deep conversations might stay longer and appear in my mind on odd occasions. In this exile time, I had one conversation with a colleague at school that lingered in my mind this afternoon. In that rare moment, in the middle of our hectic hours at school, this teacher and I occasionally had a chit-chat in the library, and we just connected quickly.
The Friend-'Cousin'
Even though he is an expatriate, he is a devoted Muslim with a broad mind. He reads books like chewing bubble gum, lol. Therefore, our fundamental values between Muslims and Christians are almost similar, but at least, because of his broad view and his readings, he understands most Christian's values. Let's say he is like a distant cousin of me lah, lol.
I was curious to know his family background because his smartness is really really impressive. I have to emphasize the "really" words here twice, lol. FYI, most of my colleagues are super brainy people. I think our HRD Manager has done a terrific job finding us all. Makasih Ibu L :D
My Life Blueprint
Back to my conversation with this friend, I told him this is how I understand myself. I can trace my life blueprint by knowing my family background and heritage. It's just like collecting little puzzles, what defines me as Friska today. Therefore, I always make it a habit that whenever I read a terrific book, I will trace down who is the book writer and read the details about that person. Also, it will be the same for other aspects of my life. Whenever I find someone engaging to be learned, I will Google more about that person.
I told this friend how I learned about myself today by tracing my ancestry and finding the little secret story about my grandparents in the old times. That's also when I realize how Bataknese patriarchy stays strong until now, and nothing we can do about that (We had discussed this on a different occasion).
By knowing yourself, you can accept who you are and understand where "this you" come from. You can understand yourself and reflect and check the tendency in your genealogy if there are some traits/habits/characters you need to remove from your life or accept. As a bonus, you will also question who God is and your purpose in life. I think it will be a never-ending search, hahaha.
The Conversation
It was a long opening conversation before I asked my friend about his family background, and he was amazed to know the preamble, lol. He stared at me for a while, and surprisingly he said,
"Ah, then it's just like what Socrates say, Gnothi Seauton."
"What did Socrates say? I can't recall, Gnoti, what?"
"Gnothi Seauton, know thyself, γνῶθι σεαυτόν. That's what Socrates said. It was in latin."
"I know Socrates was a philosopher, but I do not know he said that!" I was too surprised and blushed.
It is fantastic to realize how my wandering mind is in the (almost) same frequency as the prominent philosopher of the world, Socrates, lol.
"Then, what is happiness for you?"
"I believe happiness comes when you know yourself and accept who you are."
"How do you know about yourself?"
"Keep asking yourself, questioning yourself, just like what I am doing right now." I laughed super hard, again, hahaha.
Again, he looked at me surprisedly; he could not figure out why it looked fast and easy for me to answer that life depth philosophy question confidently. The words just came out of my mouth, just like that. I was too surprised when I reflected again on my way home that afternoon. How come?
It is what I like about having a deep talk with someone. It's like a hook for an enlightenment. You will always learn something. You know someone better, but you learn more about yourself. Thanks to my friend and the conversation with him, I learn to appreciate myself more and I think that I am on the right track :D
FYI, I rarely read philosophy books. The first and last philosophy book I read was Sophie's World, years ago in college. However, my lifelong habit of questioning myself, reflecting, and being analytical about what I read, listen to, or watch, has been forever with me. I can interpret a familiar fiction story differently than other friends who happened to be reading the same book.
I love doing it. For me, finding myself is a joyful journey. I hope you, too having fun on the same ride as me. I am truly blessed, thank you Jesus!
It was around 2010 when I realized that I was into a man, lol. I think it was an infrequent occasion when I knew I liked a man, as a special someone, hahahaha. As a rational and logical person, I needed 23 years to finally like a man for the first time LOL. At our first meeting, he was really impressive! The way he talked was so gentle yet convincing. His all presence was different from any person I knew; even now, I do not understand what exactly happened in my mind at that time. I do not believe in love at first sight, but that special feeling was there.
Fast forward to 2021
Ten years later, I returned to Jakarta for a particular reason: God called me. Returning home to work permanently in Jakarta was something that never crossed my mind. I was happy to work outside the city's busy and materialistic life in Jakarta. I enjoyed my time to be there, either in Papua or Batam, yet God said I needed to return home.
Before leaving Batam, one of my prayers of confirmation was, if it is God willing for me to return home, maybe it is in His way also for me to meet my future husband. Because that's the way, I always joke when somebody gives me a work offer outside Batam. I said, "I do not think to move out from Batam at this moment, only for a crucial reason that can make me move out from Batam. For example, because of the reason, I am married to someone who lives outside Batam." HAHAHAHA. I am that confident, lol.
When I was in Batam, I was on the journey of seeking God. Therefore, I pray frequently, have a better relationship with God, and put any matter in my heart in my prayer. I think in the way, Holy Ghost has his way of being closer to me and speaking gently into my heart and my mind.
Back to Jakarta
In September 2021, I returned to Jakarta, and the single mingle Jakarta 'market' lol. It is really easy and convenient to meet new people in Jakarta since this is my home. I always know how to connect and reconnect with my old circles and do new networking.
Prayer still is something essential for my daily life in Jakarta.
Holy Ghost Speaks
On the very rare occasion of meeting new people in Jakarta, there were twice I could feel 'something' talk in my mind. In January 2022, I had a date with this new man, who shared his not-so-easy childhood and struggle in life. In the middle of our conversation, a voice said, "Ini lelaki yang selama ini kamu cari, kan?" (This is the man you've been looking for). Oh, and FYI he is a Christian.
I was shocked! That was my first experienced 'something' that said the words inside my head. It was 'something'! The Words are pointing at me, put me as the "you". This was very complicated and mysterious for me. It happened in our first meeting. However, the man is leaving Jakarta, so I think it is something I do not need to consider anymore, lol.
Another experience also happened when I was in the Jakarta's single mingle market in May 2021. It was weird that, at that moment, I was in the fasting moment during the day. That night my friends and I were talking at our table until a group of men approached me.
Note that "a group of men" means there was more than one man. However, after talking to this man for less than 20 minutes, a voice said something in my head, "Taat." (Obedience).
I was genuinely shocked! I met this man in the bar btw, lol. I asked him right away if he was a Jesus follower and which church he frequently visited in Jakarta. My hunch was correct; he was a devoted Catholic.
Seeing his 'cuteness' I knew right away that he was younger than me, and I asked what is his Chinese Zodiac, lol. It is a polite way to ask someone's age hahaha. We have ten years gap where I am older than him, lol. I told him not to consider anything more than a friend because of that age gap.
Boldly he asked me about my relationship status and WhatsApp number, lol. He had no idea what he bumped into, hahaha. Later on, we chitted chat through WhatApp, and I told him about the situation where I was in my two weeks fasting at the moment I met him. Also, about my experience having the voice said "Taat" in my mind during our first met-up in the bar, lol.
Because he is a devoted Catholic, he understands the Holy Ghost and takes my words seriously. It is not a joke. At this moment, we remained as a friend, and I knew I could always call him and ask for help. However, to remember our ten years gap and how different I am, compared to other women in his life, I think he was incapable of seeing if we could be that something in the future. Even though our conversation was good, enriching, and relaxing, lol.
Many people said ordinary men would be inferior seeing me, how advanced my thinking, achievement, and vision of life. It seemed that I intimidated the commoners, lol. However, it never became my problem. I could not lower my standard in Jesus Christ. Having a driven and purposeful life in Jesus Christ is something I could not bargain.
Contact the First Crush
After eleven years, there was a situation where I was urgently required to talk with my first crush. Yes, you are right, after eleven years, lol. He answered my message kindly and kept asking and checking about being obedient to God's words.
We shared the difficult time we needed to take action, answering God's calling in our life. For these years, I know he is a good person, but I never think he is really close to God. So actually, I am the surprised one!
I was curious about his current news and did a little Google about him. I was shocked when I found one of his interview videos on YouTube; he was indeed a Godly man! In his response in the interview, how he measured his achievement not by the world standard but by God; he was the chosen man by God to run God's plan and kingdom on the earth. He is! Btw, FYI he is married happily with a wife and kids. He is also a Jesus follower.
Joyful!
I am joyful to realize that The Holy Spirit has been with me since the beginning. Holy Spirit can recognize each other. At that rare moment, after 23 years, I get my first crush on someone, and he is not an ordinary man; he is a Godly man.
Eleven years later, in 2022, I got another revelation, 'something' spoke in my head. This 'voice' was not wasted, but then I learned that 'love at first sight' was not love but the way the Holy Ghost speaks and confirms that the man in front of me is Godly.
I am delighted to know that if it is the time, I believe that I will recognize the 'one.' Many people worldwide ask the same questions, "If he/she is the one?" "Who is my soulmate?" "How to make he/she fall in love?" People look for the answer through science, Quora pages, or asking people's opinions and worldy experiences.
How many people will be bold enough to tell you that you will know the answer by praying to God? Based on this bizarre experience, I know I will know who a Godly man is; there is no need to worry or afraid about choosing the wrong spouse. If we are close to God, God will walk with us and show us His Way. Just like how Ruth and Boaz met. God is the divine matchmaker :D
God always answers our prayer; what He asks us is only one: our obedience.
Like what I wrote in my previous post, I seek and shall find. After my first step in bible studies in Orchard Road Presbyterian Church (ORPC), God showed me that it was not enough. One day, the church told us they have the Kairos program to understand our mission in this world.
For the details:
KAIROS is a course that helps transform worldview so that the believer understands God's purpose for every cultural group in the world, including those that still have few or no churches. The course clearly demonstrates God's love for the peoples of the world and our call to be a blessing to them.
KAIROS is a nine-session course that utilizes a variety of learning methods including group discussions, short lecture introduction, devotions, video teaching and student participation in specially designed activities. It covers the biblical, historical, strategic and cultural areas of mission concern.
Finding Kairos
The problem is that ORPC only held the nine Kairos sessions on weekdays. Even though I lived in Batam, near Singapore, I still couldn't catch up on the weekday lesson with the last boat's schedule returning to Batam. I could give up and forget about it from an ordinary human's perspective.
However, something from inside me said that I needed this Kairos session. I had to find a way to find any available session if it was possible on the weekend. I believed that if God allowed me to find ORPC and its bible studies if it were God's will, God would help me find a way to get into the Kairos program.
Being a librarian is helpful to find a way, lol. Therefore, I did a little research through Google and found a website for Kairos with Singapore domain URL. I checked on the schedule and found several churches running Kairos within the same months. Most of them run the program on weekdays, but there is ONE church that runs it on Saturdays! Lucky me!
Grace Assembly of God
I found the church's website and was blessed to know that the church website is constantly updated. They attached the weekly church bulletin to their website and shared the contact number for the Kairos program. I was truly blessed and prayed that the contact person was willing to open the opportunity for a stranger like me to be involved in their Kairos program.
I am a stranger Indonesian, and I did not know anyone in that church; they could reject my registration and said that they only opened the program for their church members. Therefore, I prayed to God that if it were God's will, God would open the way and touch the contact person's heart that I accepted into the program.
The contact person asked me to fill up the registration form and said it was okay for me to join the program. Moreover, she asked me more details like how will I reach the church and where did I stay? This is the unique thing about being a Christian family member. You are very welcome, and they greet you warmly as part of Jesus Christ's family, even though they have never met me (yet).
Later, these beautiful friends became my new family in Singapore, compared to the opportunistic Singapore friend I had before. Thanks to Sis Jocelyn, who welcomes me heartily, Ps Peck Yin, who holds me to stay over in her apartment whenever I visit Singapore, Sis Juliette & Bro Jo-my mission trip gank, and the whole family from Grace Assembly of God.
To be a Blessing
I am truly blessed to be able to complete the nine weeks of the Kairos program in Grace Assembly of God. What the inner voice said to me was right; I needed it!
For years, I only think that being a Christian is only going to the church, worshiping God in the church, becoming a responsible citizen, and following the law and legislation. However, Kairos's ultimate goal shows us that our true purpose is to be a blessing to other people. Forward the love. Period.
Can't you believe that it is a straightforward task, but sometimes we forget about the simple thing as easy as that? Moreover, I also learn that salvation is not coming from us doing good deeds. We are saved by grace through faith in Christ Jesus and not by our own efforts or works. ORPC was also telling this confirmation through its bible studies.
I am truly blessed and feel that God's presence is always near us. All we have to do is ask God through prayer: seek, and you shall find. And by the way, this is not the end of my seeking journey. We will have to continue to the next post, lol.
Because this question haunted me, I searched for the answers for years. I prayed, "God, I want to know you more. Show me the way to understand more about you." And just what Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask, and it will be given to you." God answers my prayer in unique ways.
My First Presbyterian Church
My first visit to Presbyterian happened when I visited Singapore in 2017 as part of our Papua community presentation. I could stay over in a hostel/hotel in Singapore, but I would like to have more friends in Singapore. Therefore, I sent a couchrequest from Couchsurfing website. Danny & Lisa gladly accepted my couchrequest, and later on, I found that they are also Jesus Followers.
Lisa, Danny, the kids, and I were visiting their church, which is a Presbyterian Church. It's a Calvary Pandan Bible Presbyterian Church. Lisa and Danny didn't know that I had my birthday three days ago, and I thought my visit to Singapore this time must be extraordinary for my character growth.
At that moment, I was pretty dizzy because I was confused with some weird men's attempt at romance for me, but they were not Jesus Followers. I still remember that time the Pastur said it loud, "Bible is the answer for all our problems." His statement had an impact on my heart.
The Bible
Therefore, after the Sunday service, I visited the book store on the second floor of the church building. And I saw there were many kinds of bibles there. FYI, the bible is translated into many languages, with different versions, and I hold my sight longer on this KJV grey bible.
I stopped over for a while, checked on the bible, and was surprised to know that this is not an ordinary Bible. It is a study bible with cross-reference and footnotes based on data/reflection. I thought it was a perfect bible for me to know more about God. Even though I have a bible at home (the Bahasa Indonesia's bible), I do not think it suits what I need to learn more about Jesus. Since then, the bible has been within me, but I only open it occasionally.
Moved to Batam
I moved to Batam in 2018, where geographically, it is near Singapore, only around 40 minutes by boat. Before leaving Papua and flying to Batam, I prayed that I believe that Batam is where God has a plan for me, and I wish God bless my way there and the people I am going to meet.
I was looking for a church where I could learn more about God. I joined a bible study for three months in a local church in Batam. However, upon " graduation " in November, I knew it was not the place. That's not the place where I could grow spiritually. I prayed again and asked God, "Please, God show me where I can learn more about you."
Orchard Road Presbyterian Church
That December, my family visited me in Batam, and we traveled between Batam, Bintan, and Singapore. However, on that Christmas eve, I knew I could not miss going to church. Therefore, I skipped my shopping time with my family and visited the nearest church on Orchard Road, Singapore.
I found several churches nearby, but when I read "Orchard Road Presbyterian Church," I knew I would go there! I still remember the beautiful moment I had in the Presbyterian Church in 2017. Surprisingly, I got the church book of worship and a brochure for their upcoming schedule. Their schedule was 'crazy' and exactly what I had been praying for!
The church shared their bible studies annual program called School of Ministry (SoCM), with the subject's titles to learn and the schedule, which Sunday they will run for the program! They made the schedule neatly, to have the SoCM only twice a month after the Sunday service, where I knew this was something I could not miss! I would attend the whole sessions of SoCM. Rev Clive was the one who taught us about what is Christianity from the basics.
Rev Clive did not teach us only who Jesus is as part of the knowledge, but he challenged us to be more like Jesus. Whether Jesus is God or not, heresies of Jesus, Christology, Discipleship, Knowing God, what is Presbyterianism, having all the church members as part of it, and what we will do after knowing these all? SoCM indeed became my blessing.
Therefore from 2019 until now, even though we are the pandemic, we can still manage to have SoCM through Zoom. The church also provides the voice recording and the presentation file through the church's website. However, they did not include the question-answering session in the recording.
Only by God's Grace
The SoCM sessions in 2018-2019 were no longer available on the church's website. However, this was something I could predict because of the website's memory capacity. Therefore, I saved every recording we had, and I know these files are precious, and it is only by God's grace I could find God through Orchard Road Presbyterian Church. And the KJV Bible that I bought became very handy and helpful in knowing more about God. I still have it with me and read it more frequently now.
After all, this is not the end of my journey in seeking God. More stories are upcoming after this post. Stay tuned.
For many Christians, we have the proverb said, "Prayer is a Christian breath." I forgot when it happened, but I believe my first prayer was when I was a kid. I was a frequent visitor to Sunday School for many years. Afterward, I make it a habit that I always pray before eating the food and before going to sleep.
However, by the time I learned the wisdom that prayer is not a way of as demand on something we want from God. God has given me a lot of things for me. Most of the things I never planned even never crossed my mind, but God is the provider, and God is the best mastermind of my life planning.
I learned to humble myself, not to bother God too much for my benefit, and mostly pray for my family and friends. If I pray 'something' for me, I always ask God if this is something that he wants me to do, if this is what God wants in my life, and if it is part of his will and his kingdom master plan. I always close my prayer with "Thy will be done."
The Weird Prayers
Therefore, I remember having the weird prayers during the most challenging times. Four of the weirdest prayers are:
When I knew I had a complex and stone heart, I prayed to let God soften my heart.
When I am becoming paranoid about falling in love, I pray that God only let me fall in love with the man who will be my husband.
When some of the unbeliever men approached me for romantic moves, I prayed that God would let me use more logic than my feelings.
When I was worried about my registered Bataknese church, I prayed that God would lead me to the good church where I could be planted well.
Whenever I am confused and do not know what to do, I will pray. If I have a question and do not know the answer, I will pray and ask God to help me find the answer. When I am hesitant about something, I will pray and ask God to help me and what decision shall I make. Prayer has become my sanctuary and place to run whenever I face problems for many years.
I can't Pray
During the last couple of months, I have had someone to be prayed. This person's problem is so complex and challenging, and it is impossible to answer from the human's mere perspective. I only succeeded in praying for this person twice with a peaceful heart. The rest of my prayers went into worries and troubles on my side. Until, at one moment, I gave up on praying. Not only to pray for that person but stop praying on many things.
I might be able to pray during Sunday's church service but no longer for asking anymore to God. I was disappointed why God let this happen in my life. Several times I only folded both of my hands and only cried without any words coming out. I am so devastated. Where was the old me who always loved to talk and share stories with God? The one who likes to pray whenever I face any problems in my life? I miss the old me.
The Meditation
Since the spiritual incident last December, I have enjoyed the quality time between God and me. My soul craves that meditation time! Therefore, I know this July holiday, I need this; I will use the time as the quality time meeting with God.
I rented an apartment in West Jakarta for a month and stayed there, focused on learning about God again, reading my bible, catch up with my Daily Bread (where I also skipped many days/months of it). I signed out from social media, did not open my WhatsApp, and only went out of the building for the church matter. That was the plan.
By night before leaving my dorm and arriving in the apartment, I prayed to God to bless this meditation journey. I asked God I surrender to whatever God wants in my life, let me listen to what God says and wants in my life, and give me the courage to be able to do His's will. The first night was very challenging. I could not ask for anything else but was only able to pray, "Thy will be done" with tears.
This Wednesday, I attended the bible studies group meeting through Zoom, which led to the discussion of why someone could not pray. Precisely this is what I am experienced.
Romans 8:26-27 New International Version 26
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."
What God Says About Prayer
My pastor shared this bible verse in our bible studies group, and I was shocked to find the answer. If the Spirit is the one who makes us able to pray, then what I asked in my prayer is against God's will. Holy Spirit is unhappy about my prayer. Deep down inside, maybe I think I pleaded to God to make my wish happen. Just like Aladdin, who asked the Genie to grant his wishes.
Moreover, I read the book about Unlimiting God, listened to Don Moen's song, "God Will Make a Way", and watched Don Moen's sharing about perspective, I know I was wrong. We are not capable of reading God's master planning. I force my narrow-sighted vision to God's unlimited perspective. I limit God in my prayers, and this is my huge mistake!
When I pray "Thy will be done", I have to put the faith that any problems I face now are nothing compared to God's sovereignty and the master plan of our life as part of God's kingdom. I need to learn to have faith in God!
Thank Jesus for always being there for me; find me the lost sheep again and again.
For what happened 2 years ago, I learned that I need to separate working matter with private life. Work is work, and our life (outside the school) is supposed to be private.
I decide to move out from the house I rented for a year. The contract shall be ended at the end of this June. However, money is no longer my concern because we are talking about my life at risk here. No need to be a whining child, asking a favor, or help from someone in my working circumstance. They are out of this.
I prefer to depend on myself, taking the safest decision in the matter of life. Thank you Jesus for this lifetime lesson, to learn not to have a debt of gratitude on humans but you.
I purposely write this post (after a quite long time) as a note to my self, to remember this lesson, to cherish myself who choose to having dignity in my life. I love me and have a respect on myself.
Pustakawan Mendunia has been 2 years and the vision keeps going!
I have this (weirdly) urgency to leave a legacy in this world.
I want to have a little token from me to give a glimpse of hope, a better world, in my capacity. What is my capacity? I am a librarian by profession and I have a passion for reading, literacy, and librarianship. I find this is rare even between my circle of alumni. I am blessed to be graduated from the best university in Indonesia with this major, and passionate about it too.
Then? What shall I do?
The Past
Years ago, when I was in Jakarta, my friends and I were helping a community library nearby Ciliwung River. When I left Jakarta for a job in Surabaya, the library activity was stopped. Since then, I am terrified to join or build a community if there is no one to continue the initiative.
When I joined a youth community to teach kids in the remote areas in Mimika Regency, Papua Province, I still had this in mind. I need to make sure that even though I am no longer there, the community may survive. However, it is not easy to find an idealistic person, with the same view, and has perseverance as me. This is not boasting, but I had tried to find that person/s for years.
In Papua, I still have that positive mindset, as long as we were working on the same children and the same projects, that would not be a problem. But, it had problems then. My vision is idealistic and not compatible with others who thought of our projects lightly and did that as a matter of having fun. I am serious about teaching the students with a well-managed preparation and program. For others, why am I making it so difficult?
Then it came true, the moment I left the community in Mimika Regecny, the activity was collapsed! The community is no longer active. I moved out to Batam.
Leaving a legacy is not that easy. A good deed is not enough.
Therefore, I make sure to be more careful in Batam. I would not join any community if I know the people's values are different from mine. At all. At all. At all. Nada. I would not join at all. I met several communities in Batam, tried to attend their gathering, or joined one of their programs. However, I found out that these people only taking this as a matter of having fun and to have something nice to be shared in their IG feeds.
The Present
Enough with the lesson from the past and I make a promise to myself.
If I can't find it, then I will make it.
I will make my vision happen, and that's how Pustakawan Mendunia comes up 2 years ago. I still have that urgency to have Pustakawan Mendunia as a legacy, and this is going to be continued by the next visionary librarian/s. Even though I am retired or meeting my Father in heaven, I still wish this vision keeps going.
I am building my path on my way there. I make contact with Library Science students in UI and Uncen. Students are the key to a better future, and they shall realize that through our profession we may touch people's lives, help people to unleash their potential, giving hope, build a better world for everyone. However, most library science students do not realize their strength that well.
Therefore, I am delighted that we just finished 9 sessions with Library Science students in Universitas Cenderawasih, Papua Province. At the first moment, I really hope that this meeting would help the library science students bridging the theory they had in college with the reality in the working environment. These sessions are free, they do not need to pay anything. However, the number of attendees keep reduced until our last 2 meet up. Only Ridho and I were there in our last 2 meetups.
The Future
Future is something that we can't have yet but we can plan to.
I am feeling sorry for Papua who doesn't grab this opportunity well. Our learning session is only temporary until December 2020. I am not really sure about next year because I have a lot of projects to do with my planner.
However, I appreciated what Ridho has done and I could see his spirit of learning is so strong. After some consideration, I offer him to be part of Pustakawan Mendunia team, at least for a year. If he is willing to. And yes, he is very happy and almost ends in tears. Before, I really hope at least there would be a Papuan student standing until the end of our session. But there is none.
If you read what I have read in "The Past," you know for sure that I am very careful to make decisions about the community. Therefore, having someone get into Pustakawan Mendunia is not really easy for me. In a way to open the path of Pustakawan Mendunia as a legacy for the future, I have to overcome the fear. I need to mentor the next/another Pustakawan Mendunia, and it begins from Ridho.
