The Questions
I have asked myself over and over again why it seemed I missed all those 'chances'? From 2011 until 2022, I have never been in any relationship, 11 years already, lol.
It doesn't mean I am not interested in the man or vice versa. I am interested in man, but my logic works well. My first consideration is faith. I was raised as a Christian and truly blessed with how God works through my life. Therefore, if any man tries to get closer to me for romantic purposes, I usually pray about him. I ask God's guidance if he is the 'one.' I pray that God let me to fall in love only for the man who will be my husband in the future. However, most of the time, I rarely realize if this man is interested in me until it is too late. He has already gone.
It seemed that I wore the special glasses, where I couldn't see any man who was not a Jesus follower as a potential husband in the future. It is usually clear from the beginning until I return to Jakarta and think again about what happened between these 11 years.
I asked myself, what happened to me? Where have I been within these 11 years? Which opportunities have I missed? What makes me strict with my decision and not even consider any man my boyfriend? I know many women easily fall in love and have a relationship with anyone, not having these complicated thoughts like me.
Agape Love & Humanity
I was mad at God. Why did God let me miss the opportunities to be in a relationship or get married within these 11 years? Why does none of those men get a "Yes" answer from God to be my husband? Therefore, I opened a chance to get closer to an unbeliever last December. His religion is humanity, btw.
I thought Agape Love in Christianity is similar to this religion of humanity. That we have the same purpose, doing kindness to other people. However, I was wrong. God told me (you read it right 'God told me') that it is different. Humanity's religion does not admit God's sovereignty in people's life. Meanwhile, Love Agape shows us the example of how Jesus's death saves humanity. We have Jesus Christ as our savior, but humanity does not have any faith in him as God and the savior.
I repent because of that 'incident' and commit to putting God as my first priority in many aspects of my life. Within these six months, I experienced a lot of life challenges. Most of all, I have grown both in faith and mind. As part of it, I decided to exile myself for a month in my 'cave' here as part of knowing about myself.
I brought several books with various topics and scopes, and this is what I want to share with you as part of my growth journey of knowing myself .
Emotional Intelligence
This book is written by Daniel Goleman and inspires how important we understand ourselves to bring intelligence to our emotions. I found this book to help to answer my questions about the "vacant" 11 years without any relationship.
First, Goleman told us that our genetics is like a lottery. However, our EI is shaped mainly by our environment and upbringing in childhood. But temperament is not permanent. We can have invasive therapy to change the not fit temperament we have. Just imagine that the brain is like plastic that can be molded. The difference is that it is easier to mold the plastic in childhood than in adulthood. Nothing is impossible.
Second, Goleman showed how the communication inability between the spouses causes many divorce cases. Men and women have different ways of communicating needs, and if there is not enough respect, love, and understanding, it will lead to destruction.
Third, what will happen to the 'unavailable' spouses who have children? They would not be available emotionally for their kids' upbringing. It turned out to be an ugly circle. The lack of love in parenting will lead the children to be adults with many emotional problems, and the process goes around.
Goleman wrote about how EI relates to our brains' growth or parts and how empathy can drive humans to be better people in society. I 'translated' this part in the Christian perspective of how Love Agape drives humans to be better people, right? I put Jesus's love as my role model and compass of empathy. Jesus love motivates me to be able to forgive people and from leave anger to other people. In times of challenges, I am optimistic and hopeful because I know God's plan is always the best.
What Happened If I Were Married 11 Years Ago
It would be a disaster. I just realized that after I finished reading Goleman's book. I was not ready mentally. I do not know who made the society standard to put us as if everyone is prepared for marriage in their 20s.
Goleman's writing shows me that we need mental maturity to be in a marriage and even further to have children. We are talking about raising an additional soul in the Earth's society. What is the point of having neglected children and adding another problem to the world? Not everyone is ready and able to be good parents.
How can you let a new stranger be part of life (and that fast) to be your spouse whom you do not know this person that deep, while you do not even know or understand about yourself first? I do not know how is everyone's spiritual journey, but I find that 11 years not even can answer all my questioning myself.
Marriage is not about profit and loss. Marriage is about loss; you are losing your ego and stubbornness. You learned to compromise. This is not only about you and your spouse, but how the two of you can be happy and grow.
Marriage without growth is a dead end. Everyone will not stay the same, there will be life changes, and we see things differently. How can you communicate it well with your spouse? How can you be sure you can trust this one person to be faithful as your spouse if both of you do not have the same goal and values?
These all understanding come after my 11 years wandering as a single woman. If I had been married 11 years ago without these insights, I believe I am already divorced by this time and might have my neglected children with me. My poor children, they could not choose who their father was. I was the one who failed to select a good father for my children.
This is just an 'if' condition, but it's already broken my heart. How many children worldwide grow up lacking their parents' love and attention? These failed parents are self-centered and only choose their sole happiness without considering their responsibility for another soul, not only providing them the worldly and materialistic things.
God Understands
God understands my inexperienced heart capacity. I know I could not survive mentally if I failed my marriage. Either I would be wild, dead in agony, or might became a lesbian because I stopped to trust a man. I am blessed and thankful that God postponed my marriage for these 11 years. God leads me on the journey of finding myself, loving myself first, and knowing what I really want in a marriage.
Having a spouse is no longer only about being loved or loving a man. He shall be a man with mental maturity and is responsible for being a loving father to our future children. I forgot to pray about this; I only pray to have a faithful husband in Jesus Christ. I have to add another point, to have a husband who can be a loving and responsible parent for our future children.
And if I find anyone else asked the same question as me, about why they haven't married yet, I will suggest them to discover about themselves first. Wait for God's answer patiently, and be mindful that our future children can't choose who their father/mother is. It is up to our choice and decision.
Be patient in your waiting and searching. God bless.
Jakarta, 21 July 2022.
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