Friska Notes

Then I come to the conclusion again, the greatest barriers for your growth are: 

Having a dream is free, but to have that power to allow yourself to be able to dream and go for it, to pursue it, to give the best effort for that, it's coming from yourself. Nobody could replace you. It shall coming from you. Hundreds or thousands of people might said No. However, it's you who define yourself. Are you just like what these people said about you? Or are you the person you define who you are?

I just choose the second option. I define myself.

Last month, our book club reading Laskar Pelangi, or the Rainbow Troops, which is written by Andrea Hirata. I read Laskar Pelangi twice. The first was in Bahasa Indonesia, then I just finished the English version for my book club's. My first time reading this book when I was in college. I just enjoyed the story as a fiction based on real story, oh yeah. It was another adventure story about kids. However, in my second time reading this, I read this in a totally different perspective. I worked for 5 years in remote place, not the capital city of the province. Moreover, I met these bright beautiful children who had limited access for education not because of lacking in the facilities, but in their own mindset.

Lintang gave the Rainbow Troops courage to dream! Something that Ikal dan the other troops never dare to think that further. There are more possibilities for them out there, and they have people who believe in them: Ibu Mus, Pak Hafan, and Lintang!

Said thank you. It means that you are a very dear for that someone. If you heard his/her dream kinda like giving you to response by answering "Really??"; better you hold your tongue. 

For my brother's case, I felt sorry about him, because I was away not in Jakarta when the family made decision. They just decided and reported the result to me. Just like the old days hahaha (this sarcasm btw). However, I told my brother that the power to be able to dream, this is a blessing where not everyone has it. 

Not everyone encouraged enough to think that they are actually able to reach their dreams by effort and working hard on it. Not everyone brave enough to see themselves as helpless and they are not capable (yet) in way to reflect, and see what else I can do to make myself do better. 

My parents are not blessed by this traits. They are very simple and practical. Living a permanent life, doing good, working hard, life is good enough, and that's it. I told my brother we could not blame on our parents but that's how they are. 

Therefore, I asked my brother, what would you do and how is your plan? He told me that he would having the next's year university entrance test. I told him that he has the chance for a year preparing and working hard for that. I also shared my failures and the turning points which shaped me as the current me. Moreover, I told my brother, even for me, life is not ended as just like these days. I do not see myself graduated with a bachelor degree from library and information science as the end of me. I do also have my goals. It needs effort, and I am working on it.

Like what I believe, we shall be a role model to people we love. If I encouraged my brother to be a person who is brave to dream, then I should be a person who is willing to dream and surely make the efforts on it. I told my brother that he always has his brother and sisters, and me as the 'out of the box' sister to share his stories and worries with. I am glad to know at the end of our conversation he felt better, and we prayed. I told him, never feeling alone, because nowadays, God's answering people's prayers in various ways. God might be not talking to you directly but God's words could be delivered through other people.

Some people mentioned that 'luck' is the most important aspect in someone's success. Good for me, that I do not believe in luck. You might work hard, the effort was there, you might reach for your dream, or might be not. Not because you are not capable (after those all hardworking and labor), but we are limited in our perspective as human. God provides you with even better result. This 'secret' would be unfolded once then we would say, "Oh, that's why..." hahaha. But yes, it usually take a long time until we reach that reflective mode on.

I wish more children and people in the world have the same opportunity, to have that power to be able to dream. There is one quote that I really like,

That's What Friends are For

The Fallen

Hi, You Arrogant People

Run after the Time

1. love never hurt you, and
2. marriage will never be your finish line of dream

Wish us to have a spouse who has infinity love towards us, genuinely.

Took picture with my love in Kampung Abar, Jayapura

Dear my loyal readers,

I shared this hastag #hatitatinggaldiPapua innumerably in Facebook, you also may review the Hati tatinggal di Papua song VM here :D It means you left your heart in Papua. I don't know how and why, it just occured. I worked in Timika, Papua for 5 years and traveled to other cities around Papua : Wamena, Manokwari, Jayapura, and Merauke. It affected me that much so that I have to admit: I am falling in love with Papua!

My besties in Timika, the survivors till the end : Sis Esti & Uswa

There should be a remarkable existence about Papua so that I was metamorphosed! I was transfigured splendidly within my remaining time in Papua. I respected and valued life at the most, I was touched by modest thing in life, I felt I am loved, my life is meaningful, I am worthy, how noble these kindhearted people are. They were willing to share anything they had, be my family when I was away from my hometown (5 hours flight to Jakarta), where I encountered my passion, I discovered my home.

However, after 5 years determined for good cause in Timika, I had to pull out an accord. I moved out from my former working institution. I could not reveal the reasons here, based on ethical concern. Do not worry, I did my finest endeavour in working in Papua and made a very logical and firm decision about this. I tried my luck to propose another job in Jayapura but there was no phone call, not even for any interview session. My prayer always there, no day spent in Timika without prayer, I really wish I could reside and work in Papua. I sealed all my prayers with "Thy will be done."

Unchanging love :*

I see, it seemed abstract for some of you, but that's how I viewed life. We, could requested any substance and material which we assumed we desire it, or essential for our life. However, God's intention for each of us is more than that. Our purpose living in this Earth is so GRAND! You can never predicted or even imagine, God ALWAYS arrange something GREAT for each of us, as long you are doing positive things in life genuinely, be honest, and put a lot of effort in anything you work at. It looks like an utopia for some people, but that's what I believe for years.

When God answered my prayer that I have to relocate to Batam, what can I do but accepted it? I put my faith in God, God promote something GREAT for me, whatever it is. Even though until the day I am writing this post, I declare myself repeatedly, I couldn't make headway from Papua. I am FALLING in LOVE with Papua.

Hilarious point about love is, we can never predestine with what (or whom) we may fall in love. It's not me who choose want to fall in love with Papua. Never, I just got into curiosity in 2013. I visited and traveled 4 main islands in Indonesia : Sumatera, Kalimantan, Java (for sure), Sulawesi but not Papua (yet, at the moment). Moreover working as librarian and did voluntary actions in Papua education unquestionably forged me, and voila I identified my passion!

Books & Library Week 2017

First time arrived in Timika, I was brokenhearted. I had no confidence to trust anyone. I thought I was going to work as a librarian professionally, managed the library only. However, my principal asked me to do additional assignment, it was something never explained to me in the beginning. I have to manage a library session for every grade, including the parallel classroom, from kindergarten until junior high school (grade 9). I felt deceived, because I was not expecting this, and I had no experience to work in a school. My previous working institution was in the office special library and records management area.

I forced myself, I had to master this! I researched through the internet, and I was blessed to have a very good friend, Rabbi Ade who gave me a sample of library skill syllabus from USA. I learned, even lucky enough to had Kurikulum 2013 training which uncovered my creativity. There are a lot of improvements you can develop through library session, to increase students fondness in reading. That was how I developed my skills and passions in literacy.

Then, how about my broken heart?

Jelita, my inspirator in Kampung Abar, Jayapura

My brokenhearted curer is the children's genuine love. I treasured it! It is marvellous how children could love us! We are someone who they do not know (we are not their family or relatives), but they love us, unconditionally. Children's pure love surely heals the brokenhearted T.T

My five years in Papua is so momentous and deeply meaningful in my life which I can never forget T.T

Furthermore, I have to face the reality now. I moved to Batam since July 2018 and have not decided yet how long I am going to sojourn in Batam. What can I do in my limited capacity and power to fulfil what my heart always craving for? My love to Papua? Hopefully this is not the end, but it turns out to be a comma... and have a trust God strengthen me in order to pursuing God's GRAND design in my life.

Jesus loves you, Thy will be done :*


Batam, 25 September 2018, 00.10 (GMT +7)

Farewell dinner with dearest besties in Timika, Papua Province. So proud to have this opportunity, to know you and cherish our memory together. Love you folks! :* :* :*

I am a person who have a full of interest of life :

1. Reading
2. Healthy lifestyle, including sport and healthy food options
3. Social movement

This is a picture when my kids watched movie together in my house. What did we watch? We watched Mr. Bean movie :D

Dear readers,

Once upon a time I met a human that used to be my friend at the university. At that moment, I didn't understand why people don't like her. What I knew about her : friendly, a good friend, honest, capable, and a person whom I can trust.

As time goes by, I know her better, she is a person who never keep her words. There are always reasons for everything. She does it with innocent face and I have to accept her reasons. One by one her promises are never fulfilled. I tried to understand that perhaps she is just a so so friend and not a good friend to trust anymore.

Until one time I know she is lying and covering her lies, said different things to other people. Finally her mask is covered and now I know why people don't like her : she is a liar, opportunist, hypocrite, and trying to use other people as her benefits. She is very sly and you will never find out she is a liar until you find the truth by accident.

Her smartness to lie and her ability to be friends easily with other people then using it for her benefits - that makes me wondering is she a Psychopat? I read several articles about Psychopathy in newspaper around 2008 and I remember several traits probably she had. One thing about Psychopath you need to remember : Too Good to Be True. And that's her! 100% that's her before you know who she really is.

The silver lining about this : 
Never expect too much from other people.
Human is human and they are not your friends.

Here is a link if you want to check your tendency to psychopathy : http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/psychopathy.htm


Jakarta, 3 Oktober 2013

I visited Batam for 4 days and interested to buy electronics there since people always saying about how cheap those stuff. I came to Nagoya Hill at first day then Lucky Plaza Batam and both tried to rip me off, gave me digital camera price higher than the original.

I've browsed the original standard price in google and amazed how the sellers trying to cheat on us, buyers. They are trying to sell electronics from black market in higher price. How come! I'm intended only to buy camera when the price is lower than the original standard price, that's why I want to buy it in Batam. One example of their scam was: the seller offer me a digital camera Rp 1.500.000,- where the original standard price was Rp 900.000,- :O

Once, I've set the deal to buy the camera within Rp 2.000.000,- but the seller tried to rip me off by asked me to buy memory card Rp 350.000,- He said the warranty is given if I use that memory card only. When I refused to buy the memory card, he said that there was no more camera stock in his store. Wasting my time!
So people, just a suggestion for me when you are shopping in Batam:

1. Do you a safe player and want to have licensed warranty for your electronic buying in Batam? If your answer is YES, cancel your plan. Do not hope to buy the electronic in lower price but have the warranty. Warranty is valid when you buy it in official store and the electronic box have a seal. There is no such seal.
2. If you have no time to research more about your electronics-to-buy, cancel your plan. Knowledge is power. Those sellers would know whether you know about things you asked for or not, immidiately. It's such a very stupid thing when you buy something in Batam in higher price than in Jakarta-the expensive city.
3. When you do bargain, the last deal price from one store to other is not differ significantly. It's about Rp 50.000,-  to Rp 100.000,- Why? Because the store owners know each other, they could be friends, relatives, or even one person could own several stores. They even put CCTV connected their all stores so they could observe what stores we, buyers have visited.
4. Make sure you already know what you want, what is the specification, original standard price, and how to check its quality. Be sceptic in hearing what those sellers are saying.
5. Pay your transaction with cash (beware of pick pockets in Lucky Plaza Batam) or debit card. Never pay by credit card. Something weird within my transaction where the seller flipped my debit card, and he saw the back of it. If it was a credit card, he definitely would know my CVV number! Have no idea why he have to flip my card! Be careful for your transaction in Lucky Plaza Batam.
6. Bring local person to help you bargain the price.

At the end of the day, I bought my camera Rp 2.200.000,- from the original standard price is Rp 2.650.000,- and there is no seal on the box. Just praying the camera would be fine for many years.


Padang, 6 May 2013.

Well, another post about my job circumstances. Please don't be bored reading my blog ya.

So here's what happened...

One of my task in the office is maintain our administration system. I manage how to let all employee could work better, efficiently within all facilities provided by our office. It means paperwork's to be filled up, administration form to do work outside office, travel request, or permission to take taxi voucher. Those are just a little amount of forms I've typed here. In fact we have 26 forms and could be added more by my boss request-ready to assist our employee activities.

Then here is the problem: too many forms, too much writings, and so hurry in time = means disaster and everybody seems allergic to fill up the forms. But hey guys those tasks are exist and that's how our office guidance running. People tried to take it easy but in fact they are complaining behind me and fussed it up. Some people just dislike the forms and took it personally to dislike me too. I just figured it out lately.

Somehow, the ambiance in the workstation was not like last month. There's no laugh, no jokes, no chit chat, no more small conversation with me even though we are in the same workstation. I thought the ambiance different because they had deadline got run for. But after our office karaoke night yesterday-Ibu Ani farewell party (I'll write later about her) one of the employee complained about the forms and how dizzy their head to fill up every form for their activities. WHAM!! A hammer nailed my head!! I never know they are complaining about it and even talked about it behind me. I was really shocked and tried to explain briefly why we must filled out the form. But I think there's no use to explain it before they got their own results for not fill up the forms.

So what do you think could be happened if you not fill up the forms? All the management could be in chaos. If you work overtime and don't fill up the form you would not get your overtime working fee. If you have meeting to meet clients outside the office and don't fill up the form you would be in absence in working. If you don't fill up the form for the transport request, you couldn't use taxi voucher or office car and that means you have to use your own money for job transportation purpose and so on.

So when you hate the system which actually could help you in your own activities, I think it is not appropriate if you dislike me, avoid to have conversation with me. Just face the management, say your complaints to them and not to blame everything to me. My life principle to face people who avoid me oddly, as always: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! It's your own loss to avoid conversation with me, as if I couldn't life without you. Hell yeah, I still have a lot of friends out there and as long I'm done with my job, that's all right.

So, anybody hate me? Please stand up!

I'm working now in different path of my education. As an administration staff, I have new challenge to be more details in everything, to memorize everything well, acurate in every task I'm doing. It needed high responsive and awarenees in my task and e-mail correspondence.

It's a high risky job for my organization growth. Because every correspondence, flight booking ticket, arrange meeting, even in approaching new candidate for some jobs available in our office are throughout me. The problem is my super big boss is not a royal person. He would reduce as much as he could in employee wages. The other problem is my HR Boss use her connection to approach new employee from her networking and very generous for them.

So, when I saw the lack of experience employee got higher salary offer bigger than me, do you know how I feel? I feel dissapoint! I'm work fuck*n hard, wake up at 6.30 am, go to office at 7.15 am, arrive at office far away from my house at 9.00 am, eat my lunch only for 30 minutes, back from office always above 8 pm, arrive at home very late, have no time for myself, my social life, and no more private time for me, even for reading or open facebook on PC at home. And I got salary 1,5 mio less than the lack of experience employee, not even reach his bachelor degree yet, and it seems he is not smart also, and lazy.

After my 3 months of probation, I'll ask for higher salary. If the management could NOT give it, there is no doubt after finish my working contract here I would leave! If your office couldn't value your job, and they seem close their eyes to see your professional work, and your fuck*n hard effort, just my two cents: GO AWAY FROM THAT H*LL as fast as you could.      

2 weeks before I got invitation both by message and an event invitation through facebook to attend a gathering from my past circle of friend. I was thinking that maybe I will not suitable anymore to join that kind of gathering. So I decided not to come to that reunion feast and somehow I questioning myself how they decide to make an invitation because not everybody is invited.

Just a day before the event, the junior member sent me a message to remind me again about the gathering. Because he is a junior and didn't know much about my withdrawal, maybe he doesn't realize about the condition and just invites me according by his phone number list. I was asking him, is it okay if I come to that gathering. And he said why not, just come and gather. I rethinking again that maybe if I don't come it will be the last invitation from them ever (in my batch there less than 20 persons are invited). So I decided to come and like what I was thinking the situation is not very friendly for me individually within my own batch :(

I don't want to think negatively but it's how my sense capturing at the moment. The situation between me and them personally is pretty stiff. That's why I prefer to sit down near my juniors who don't have any pretentious thinking and don't know much about the situation before. At last I can enjoy the event little bit have a chit chat with them. Thanks to you all kids hahahaha, sounds like I am an old man..



The sad thing comes when I see the pictures which uploaded on the facebook tonight. There is our batch and our division pictures together. And so sad to see those smile even I have to grin widely (unfortunately it's not a smile). For me, it's a loss that moment we can't share with our other friends who cut by the system off. I miss them a lot and I feel it will be much happier if they are all gathering together there and take pictures together. I can't blame it to anybody, it's useless :( I have no power there to say anything. I've tried once but no body listen to me and consider it seriously. I can't help anymore. I feel lost right now that I can't protect my friends. I can't defend them. I was too egoistic only thinking about myself and my dumb theses that I just ran away from the situation. I'm sorry for that and too sad for me to admit it, but totally this is one of my big failure ever in my life. I can't help my friends, I can't defend them, I'm not capable to do renewal in our system. I'm nobody there.

I hope one day, we can be mature enough to realize that friendship should not get ended like this. In my point of view, I think we are all friends, it just the system and your own ego who blind the eyes to see the goodness in people. For me, anything you call it, suspension, withdrawal or retirement, it won't broke our friendships. For me you are still my friends whatever people say and opinion. And life is so complex for us to even think more about the ego. Hopefully you will realize it one day and will respect each one of your friend.

It sounds like a movie title, "Almost Famous" but unfortunately it's not. Recently these past weeks I had a up and down mood changed drastically. A lot of problems at once, it almost made me explode. Even I was pretty worried, was I already crazy at that time or not.

I locked myself in room, didn't go outside house, turned off my hand phone for days, made my any communication device offline, such as Facebook chat, yahoo messenger, and Skype. Truly I was not in a good mood to have a chit chat even in such simple conversation. I didn't want to meet and talk happily with everybody alive. I was depressed enough to write any updates in Facebook. Though I still accessed internet, run away with online manga and gave comments in some interesting case in Facebook.


That's why I left my last blog in title "I'm such a coward" because truthfully I am a coward. I'm not brave enough to face my problems. I thought I can run away from the situation, live in the imagination and dreaming condition. But it's not last long. Time goes by and my problems are not solved yet. The problems there, don't move. Even the situation become more complex because the time is running and counting on.

I can't say that I've healed but I feel little bit better now. At least I realize that time is still there, running, and I have to move on. Nothing else. I can feel that deep down inside I'm still not in recovery condition yet. Once again I have to say to myself, I HAVE TO MOVE ON.. This is the world, you can't change it. Just accepted it the way it is. It such an impossible dream to live in a perfect life, happily ever after. Too many hopes and imagination only can hurt you, because the fact life is not as happy as it may seems. Like an old phrase "bittersweet". Yes, life is a bittersweet process. Nobody can't separate both of them. Just accept them both.


I can't share openly what my problems are. It's too hurt for me to tell the story repetition by writing, talking, or sharing. It will only wakes up my sadness again. I don't want to remember any of them. I want to forget them but I can't. It's only a run away action, don't give any solution. Now, I'm not in a very good mood but I feel better to try communication with others. Please at this time, don't bother me with problems, don't add anymore problems with me. Just leave me at this time alone and just meet me for having fun. Nowadays, I just need some simple conversations, chit chat, and having fun. Big salutation for you my friends who read this, and try to understand me here. Deeply sorry for you whose feel I'm irresponsible or so mysterious. I'm just not able to meet a lot people for more problems at this time.

Last night, I went from library with my high school friend. We had a good, funny, and fun conversation. We haven't meet in long time. So a lot of stories to told HAHAHAHA. I took her home first and we still had a chat for 1 hour more lol.. Anyway, some of the conversation was rejoicing and make me glad to have her as a friend. Actually we are very different in physical, gesture-you can say that she is very very feminine, and I am the contrary HAHAHAHAHA. But both of us have a common thing, which is broadness of thinking and easily talk anything in our mind openly :D

One of our conversation that makes me think more, is from her story. She told me that before in our friends farewell party there was something funny about me. Once upon the time, me and a friend-Ms. T were the last ones to come to the farewell party. And I didn't know where exactly the party's held. So that I need a guidance from my friends who've already there. I asked their guidance by phone. I've already understand the road and in front of the alley, I met some of my friends who waiting for me. I was touched.


But, there was a behind story. My friend told me that a friend of us, Mr. D, actually didn't want to wait for me with others in front of the alley. He told my friend that "friska can do it by herself, she is strong" it sounds like a compliment if I translate in English, but in the real Indonesian words, it gave a irony understanding, he said "udahlah, si friska gak usah ditungguin, dia kan kekar". Just do laugh as your wish. But for me it's not funny and it's like an insulting phrase. Better him to say, "I'm lazy to wait for her" than saying that phrase. This story really shocked me out, that once again my analysis and thinking about common people physical taught are right.

There was also a time before, where I knew a friend of mine, Ms. L is a sweet and nice girl. And somehow EVERY MAN is able to help her. She is never has any difficulty with going anywhere and doing anything. All she has to do is ask for help and every man in our class doesn't hesitate to help her. I was wondering in that time, how come?? I compared that with myself, where it's very difficult to ask other help, for woman and man both. And anyone will not hesitate to NOT help me LOL. HAHAHAHA. It's ironic. From that time, I was thinking, why? the answer came and my cynical mind said, "it's because you are not pretty and you are don't have a weak image and needed to help" again, in English term it sounds normal. But in Indonesia terms, it sounds more sarcastic "Itu karena gw gak cakep, dan gak punya kesan lemah dan perlu dibantu". Anyway, it's just my thinking and I never think it's for real until last night.


I feel both happy and disappointed. Happy because another analysis from mine is right. Disappointed to realize that common people are everywhere and they will always think shallow and nothing can change them. That's why I feel like defeated by the world. The world and common people in it, are the winner. I can't do nothing to change them, I have to change to get accepted by the common people or I just stay as I am. If I want to stay as I am, I have to accept: this is the world, there are a lot of common people, nothing can change that. I have to accept everything the way it is and no more complaining about people behavior, even though it hurts me. It's disappointing but I have to accept it. No other choice, such as 'take it or leave it'. Because I can't leave the world forever, except I died lol wkwkwkwkwkwk :D

When the world and the 'common' people are different from you...
Recently I had some conversations with friends. From usual chit chat it became a deeper conversation and confession to our secrets HAHAHAHA..
From our conversation and listen about other stories, I know that the world today and the 'common' people are very different from myself, my point of view about life. Lets talk first about beautifulness. Like I've written before in my post that appearance can deceiving, but the world today and 'common' people still do that.

1. My friend said, he was ask someone to be his girl friend, even though he didn't know much about her. He only interested (firstly) because of her 'beautifulness'. I said it 'beautiful' because I didn't think so, and I know already who is she, how is her behavior, and her dark side.
2. In some vacancies, appearance is still valuated, even though it's a back desk job
3. There are some men behavior where they are only want to be near beautiful women and prefer to talk with them than to talk with the average appearance women
4. And of course beautiful women always easier to be remembered than the average appearance women.

Everybody has own problems. Maybe you'll think you have the worst problems than others. Sometimes, you will think like that, and maybe you are right. Your problems are worse from other person. But, you are not alone. Many people have even worse problems than yours. You just have to open your eyes and your heart and you will realize. Even though you are suffering you still have some good points in your life.

Recently I have a chat with a good friend of mine. I don't tell him anything about my problems whom I think is the worst problem from all over my life. But hear his story about his friend, make me wonder. That his friend even has a very dangerous situation where common people can't help her. Actually my problem can be solved if I'm not shy to ask other people help. But her problem is worse. Nobody can help her, because that's not a problem where we, common people can help her. Too bad for her. Even though I don't know her but I feel sorry for her. I hope she will get the best and God will always protect her.

I'm now can think clearly and I think I can do it and solve my problems if I'm brave enough for asking help. I always think when I ask for people help, I usually get disappointed. That's why asking for help is not my habit. But I should move on. Make a real step or my problems will never solved!!

Recently, I has some problems. It breaks my heart, where I have no one to trust.
I am already in the top of my patience limit. It's enough!! Enough is enough. But from that time, because of my disappointed, I can feel there's something wrong with me mentally.

I can't feel. I lose my heart. I can feel that I become a cruel person, with no mercy, can't believe on anybody. I'm become more cynical right now. I think that's worse than being a sarcastic person (that's what I was before). I'm become apathy, close my eyes, my ears, and my heart for other. Also don't want to be bothered with other problems.

I can feel it's not right. But at this time I can't help it. My hurt is killing. I need to heal, and I think maybe my apathy is the healing.  Even I can't drop tears right now. I'm losing my heart.