Who knows one day I could writing something like this in positive light, compare to my previous post here 10 years ago. Many things happened in my life, especially when I worked and stayed in Papua. It really enriched my life.
I am sorry, I admit, I rarely share anything here. More active in facebook, twitter, and recently just open my account in Instagram. Many interesting stories, incident, or inspiration moment were share in those channels. Promise me, I am going to share stories more in this beloved blog hehehe.
I am going to share a part of me, newest to learn. It's love. Once again, I am sorry if you feel there is a missing link about what happened before so that I can reach this point. Promise you, will explain one by one later, terribly sorry!
Love. L-O-V-E.
L is for the way you look at meO is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore
That's what Nat King Cole said haha! Anyway, what I really want to share with you here is something grand within. God's LOVE. Jesus' love. God's love is eternal and unconditional for anyone of us, the sinner.
You may want to discuss, how about our parents' love? Don't you think it's marvellous and unconditional? Yes, our parents love is so grand but it's conditional only for us, their children. For others' children? They might be have limitation.
Moreover, I am challenged to see nothing can beat God's love to us, God's creations, especially human. What shall we do then? To be loved by God first, when you realise this, you can feel it, your cup is full! That's why it's such a joyful thing for me if I can share this happiness cup to others, as long as I can be a help for someone. Nothing attached! You love it, name it, you can help? Then just do it. I don't really sure when this enlightenment did happen. But I am sure it happened while I was working in Papua.
This faith becomes my philosophy in life. Just do good, nothing attached. But in a way, people don't understand and tend to have bad thought if I have hidden motivation. Poor thing. For a once in my life I never have any bad intention to anyone. Then what do I do for them who have bad thought about me? I left them. I feel tired about all those conflicts, even I was attacked in ill manner. Whatever else they think about me, let them be. If they think it's important to them, they shall put their assumption aside, and ask me. If not, it would be their problem then.
Anyway, back to our topic today about this unconditional love. It is including about the eros-love. What I notice from many brokenhearted stories or my almost experience (read this : almost :p) people tend to be hurt if they are expecting for something. Usually people prioritise do kindness only for people they like or love. Weird concept for me. I can not do that.My backpacking journey for 55 days in China here, blesses me a lot! What I believe is, to help people if you can help. That's it! But now, when I am interested in a man (it might turn into eros-love), what shall I do? Hahaha..
When you like someone, deep down inside you know you wish, he could be that ONE. The potential mate, to be someone special to accompany to till the end of time, a person called as "Husband". Here we read, "expectation"! As a coming to 30 years living person with have no experience in love, it is not easy. I have no idea how to those funny ridiculous strategy like how to find a boy friend in 30 days, how to attract a guy etc. Hahaha. I do not understand those stuffs :v
What I realise is, if I like someone, I will just do anything my heart says. The problem is, we as woman, shall have dignity. Our actions cannot be misguided as we are the one who chase after man. We have border between this friendship-zone. I cannot pass this certain border we have, expect he is the one who trespass that border and take me out from it. But how if after those time and memory you had, finally you found out he is NOT the ONE?
Meanwhile, I need to take care my heart. It is not possible for me to get interested in more than a man in a same time. My heart could not to that. I have to make sure myself, repeatedly, if he is the ONE or not for a certain of time. If it's ended already, then it's ended. I will need a spare to take a rest, before continue another eros-love journey possibility.
I know myself better, and I am not good in coping with sadness and grief. Really. To lower the damage may cause, I learned, whoever you are interested with (eros-love), just do anything unconditionally. Do not do something because you expect that possibly the ONE is going to return your love, but just do anything you feel it's right, what your heart wants. Make it genuine.
Repeatedly, I always say this to myself, many time, "Do it genuinely". Whenever I will contact this possibly the ONE or meet him, I will repeat these words in mind and my heart. Last night, this man somehow had to upload a picture together with a woman in a very close position in facebook. My friend who knew this felt sorry about me, she tried to cheer me up, tell me I might be hurt. Ridiculously, I was not.
I just curious why he posted the picture in social media meanwhile I believe he already knew that I have a crush in him. Just it.
I submit this matter, and pray for God for months before. I know I can't force someone to like me or not. What I am capable to do, is to be myself. Be the best self of me, do the best while God still give me a chance for living. So what I always praying to God is, let he the chosen ONE, is chosen by God, not by me. I might like someone, but I do not know whether this feeling is reciprocal. Moreover, I do not know whether it's God will to let us together as spouse.
When you put your good heart under God's arm, and trust in God, I believe there is nothing too difficult for us. Keep the faith, Thy will be done, just remind and challenge yourself, to do anything genuine, unconditionally to help people in your power given by God.
Have a good sleep everyone..
Batam, 23 September 2018.
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