I was sick. I have been away from my dearest friends and uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with others. I wanted to be alone. I found my mind is the safest and most comfortable place to be with. Not even God can answer my restlessness. I wanted to be alone. Period.
I had sleeping difficulties for months. I had weird timing of sleeping, and it ruined my health mentally and physically. It has worsened my situation. These three months have been tough for me. At the beginning of January, God showed me that I would travel somewhere away from home. I want to stay home and not go anywhere; I am OK and happy to be back in Jakarta. I am no longer interested in traveling, not even checking the flight promotional price, and not interested in renewing my passport. My goal is to stay at home.
However, God is the one who has the sovereignty; when God got plans for us, they will happen no matter what. God directs me to go outside Java island, to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah (Borneo island - Malaysia). This trip is memorable because I have no plans, even with my expired passport. Moreover, I was in an unwell mental condition. Actually, I needed help, but I could not ask for it. I have learned to depend on myself and God all my life.
My coordinator sent me to the Asia Pacific teachers' conference, located in Kota Kinabalu, and one of their topics is librarianship. The school asked me to be there for 4 days, at the same time as our mid-term break. I told my coordinator I might need time to renew my passport, which was done in time. I know I want to spend the Sunday service in the local church. I had an incredible experience having the church service in Kalkuta, Manila, and Singapore before. Therefore, I have to be there earlier before the conference, and I can't waste time postponing visiting Kota Kinabalu.
Thus, the school bought me a flight ticket to arrive early, 6 days before the conference, LOL. Once I arrived in Kota Kinabalu, the first thing to do is to find the church to have my Sunday service. I was looking for the oldest church in town, St Michael in Penampang. I thought it was an Anglican church, but it turned out to be Catholic.
Having the Sunday service there genuinely touched my heart. Because I feel that God truly cares about me. When I feel enough with life, I lock myself out from other people; I want to be alone, but God does not let me do it. He pushed me out of something that I thought was a safe boundary. I feel like God is caring for me, watching me out, holding my hands, always being on my back, telling me, "Titi, you are never alone. I am here." It's truly magnificent.
I, as a human, have measured my capacity as limited, but God raised me up to let me know that together with him, I am saved. God's plans and love are out of our measurement, out of this world. And this is what I believe as a faith. Thank you, Jesus; I love you worth heartedly. You are my foremost and first priority in life. This is my ground zero, and I am ready to return and face the world. In Jesus' name, I prayed. Amen.
Kota Kinabalu, 19 March 2023
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