I was sick. I have been away from my dearest friends and uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with others. I wanted to be alone. I found my mind is the safest and most comfortable place to be with. Not even God can answer my restlessness. I wanted to be alone. Period.
I had sleeping difficulties for months. I had weird timing of sleeping, and it ruined my health mentally and physically. It has worsened my situation. These three months have been tough for me. At the beginning of January, God showed me that I would travel somewhere away from home. I want to stay home and not go anywhere; I am OK and happy to be back in Jakarta. I am no longer interested in traveling, not even checking the flight promotional price, and not interested in renewing my passport. My goal is to stay at home.
However, God is the one who has the sovereignty; when God got plans for us, they will happen no matter what. God directs me to go outside Java island, to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah (Borneo island - Malaysia). This trip is memorable because I have no plans, even with my expired passport. Moreover, I was in an unwell mental condition. Actually, I needed help, but I could not ask for it. I have learned to depend on myself and God all my life.
My coordinator sent me to the Asia Pacific teachers' conference, located in Kota Kinabalu, and one of their topics is librarianship. The school asked me to be there for 4 days, at the same time as our mid-term break. I told my coordinator I might need time to renew my passport, which was done in time. I know I want to spend the Sunday service in the local church. I had an incredible experience having the church service in Kalkuta, Manila, and Singapore before. Therefore, I have to be there earlier before the conference, and I can't waste time postponing visiting Kota Kinabalu.
Thus, the school bought me a flight ticket to arrive early, 6 days before the conference, LOL. Once I arrived in Kota Kinabalu, the first thing to do is to find the church to have my Sunday service. I was looking for the oldest church in town, St Michael in Penampang. I thought it was an Anglican church, but it turned out to be Catholic.
Having the Sunday service there genuinely touched my heart. Because I feel that God truly cares about me. When I feel enough with life, I lock myself out from other people; I want to be alone, but God does not let me do it. He pushed me out of something that I thought was a safe boundary. I feel like God is caring for me, watching me out, holding my hands, always being on my back, telling me, "Titi, you are never alone. I am here." It's truly magnificent.
I, as a human, have measured my capacity as limited, but God raised me up to let me know that together with him, I am saved. God's plans and love are out of our measurement, out of this world. And this is what I believe as a faith. Thank you, Jesus; I love you worth heartedly. You are my foremost and first priority in life. This is my ground zero, and I am ready to return and face the world. In Jesus' name, I prayed. Amen.
I was born and raised as a Christian, however, throughout my life, I experienced God's blessing, and I believe my husband shall be a Jesus follower like me. If he is not a Jesus follower, I will see other men as friends, which has happened for years.
Other deal breakers: disrespectful and abusive men. I will leave men with this kind of quality. No way even they could get into my inner circle.
Christianity as Religion ≠ Jesus Follower
I was once close with a Christian (A), a Catholic (B), and an agnostic who has Catholicism as his religion (C). Initially, I thought everything would be settled and smooth if we were both Christians. I prayed to God about them until God showed me that it was not them.
Those particular Christian and Catholic men failed to show commitment and love for Jesus Christ. They were not ready. Mentally, A only wanted to be in a relationship for eros love and not mature spiritually. Meanwhile, B was abusive. However, it was interesting that I opened the chance to get closer to C. I found that agnostics and atheists have a challenging mindset, and somehow I loved it.
I told C that I could not see our possible future, but he still came and put some effort until we had a conflict about the standard and values of marriage. He wanted his freedom and did not want to listen to suggestions from his (future) spouse even though it is scientifically proven. He wanted to have the attitude of a single man in his marriage, which conflict with my view that marriage is about compromise. He refused to listen to advice from people who loved him. He was stubborn. That was our deal breaker.
I realized none of the three as the 'one.'
The Destiny
So who is the one? This whole moment I thought that God was the one who decided who is our future husband. But if God is the one who chose our spouse, why are there many divorces in Christian marriages nowadays. What went wrong?
I believe God destined us to meet some people in this world for a reason, including the fall in love experience. However, what we will do about that is something up to us, not God. Everything returns to how you pray about your future husband. Do you allow God to be involved as part of the decision maker, or did you say that he is the one you want as a husband and plead God to grant your wish?
Why does he have to be a Jesus Follower, not just a religion?
A person who is a Jesus follower understands what God wants in their life and the purpose of marriage. The worldly people will say that marriage is to have a companion in life, have children, build a family, be happy, to have sex legally. However, the deal breakers might show up if they failed to have children, were unhappy, had more fights, or preferred other sex variations outside the marriage. A divorce is a solution to happiness in this case.
However, Jesus's followers put a higher standard (or impossible) on their marriage: Agape Love. Love is a sacrifice, to accept that the spouse and we are sinful and have a weakness as a human, to compromise in our weakness, and to hold the marriage vow we have in front of God. We might have episodes of a fight, be unhappy, or cry in the marriage, but we grip on God's covenant. That this is a lifetime marriage, and we commit to be God's possession and build a Godly family.
Agape Love
Only the spiritually mature people in Jesus Christ can comprehend the concept of agape love. There is no more love as 'stupid' (or you can say naive) as agape love. You sacrifice and give the best effort you can, genuinely. Marriage is not only what I want, or what the spouse wants, but what God wants. This concept is abstract for people who do not know who Jesus is as God and savior.
Even I recently realized and grasped the meaning of Agape love and its importance in marriage. After 30 years + in my life, I got this enlightenment by pondering what exactly went wrong and why people did divorce. Because it is out of my mind, if people marry because of love, what went wrong? This question has disturbed me for years.
The Spiritual Journey
It is interesting that now I understand that God let me have these 11 years of spiritual learning. I believe my future husband also went through the same journey as me. The fall and rise episodes of our life. The pondering questions why God allowed such things to happen in our lives. If God is here and with me, why do I have to suffer those other challenging life stages?
He learned as much as I learned until God said that we are prepared and ready to meet in our kairos (Godly time). If people asked me before what kind of man I am interested in, I used to answer the intelligent and Christian (religion-based only) man. However, now I realize the priority is now changed: for me to be a Jesus Follower who obeys God's words and learn to love my future husband in agape love.
I find something huge changed in my spiritual journey in these recent years; I learned to understand that God has an excellent pathway for us. You need to have faith and obey. I learned in the most challenging time that even though I want something badly, I always close my prayer by saying, "Thy will be done."
My Will be Done
This world tells us that we can be anything that we want. You are your "god" for yourself. You can do anything; nothing can stop you but you. Life is about "I" or "me." This is what I want, and that's what I will have.
Is this wrong? As part of the positive mindset, it is not bad. However, this 'my will be done' mindset erased God's role and the sovereignty within our life. Will you stop for a while and ask yourself first, is this what I want, or if this is something that God wants to happen in my life?
Do You Want It or Do You Need It?
Interestingly, financial tips usually tell us to check again if we want something or need something before deciding to buy it. Now let us put this perspective into our life. Is this something in your prayer that you wish to be part of the world to possess for your benefit, or do you do it because it's what God wants and for His glory? Now, I see things differently.
The Papua Incident
I found there was corruption happened in my school in Papua, and I had the evidence. However, that removed principal would return as the principal the following school year. I could not accept this and told myself I could not compromise my values and integrity for evil. I decided not to continue working in that school even though there was no new job offer/vacancies at all.
I remember crying in front of my PC in the library when I knew I would no longer work in that school. I prayed that God might open the way for me to find a new job, and I asked God if I still can work in Papua.
It was tough because I love Papua wholeheartedly. I had my spiritual growth in Papua, and I love Papua so much. I wanted to be there in Papua permanently. I thought of building a youth or social community foundation in Papua, but I would begin it from scratch by having none to support me. I applied to several schools in Papua province, looking for a job as a librarian, where I believed that I had a compelling CV. However, none call me, not even for an interview.
I sent some applications also for schools in Malaysia and Singapore and somehow found an international school in Batam (Batam is the border from Indonesia to Malaysia and Singapore). It was challenging to have the interview with my school in Batam because I was in Jayapura, where we had limited internet connection and 2 hours difference.
There was no news from the school in Batam or other schools in Papua, and we had our end-of-school-year departing with the students. In my prayer and frequently crying, I asked God if I could work in Papua. However, I learned to believe in God's plan and always close my prayer by saying, "Thy will be done."
Later, in the mid-week of June, I was confirmed that I was accepted in Batam. They issued my flight ticket and waited for me to arrive at the beginning of July. It was a 'coincidence' that I visited Batam for a project in 2012. Therefore, I already knew what Batam looked like, and going there would not be something to worry about. I told my family about this all things after everything settled down. They did not know about my situation at all. I did not want to make them worry.
Even though I wanted to stay permanently in Papua, God told me that I was needed in Batam. That was what God wanted. True, in my three years in Batam, I evolved. Pustakawan Mendunia was born, I had my spiritual journey, and I found the church that helped me grow. Out of my mind, I won the award as the first winner, Pustakawan Berprestasi Provinsi Kepulauan Riau.
The Scholarship
When I wanted to apply for a scholarship overseas, I asked God if this was something that I wanted or if God desired it. For my part, I did the best for the application and requirements and let the rest upon God. I thought I applied four times to Korea, the USA (twice), and New Zealand, but none even called me for an interview. Was I sad? For sure, I was disappointed. Not even one interview I have been called. However, I wonder if this is something I want or if God's in my life? I reflect again on my motivation why I was applying for the scholarship?
My goal is to foster the love of reading in children in Indonesia. I am not interested in staying permanently overseas because I know the one who needs help is Indonesia's children. I am on the way to that destination through Pustakawan Mendunia. I think having a degree from overseas will be helpful for the growth of Pustakawan Mendunia, and I will gain more expertise in that field and build networking to support its growth.
The Job
Currently, my brother is studying overseas, and it may be difficult for me to leave the country. Someone needs to be in charge of the situation at home, and that's one of the important reasons I think why God opened the door for me to return to Jakarta. I was not looking for a job in Jakarta; I did not want it. I felt like my life was okay in Batam; I got promoted, and I still had challenges to nail for my libraries in Batam. I love visiting Singapore and having the church service there. I have good friends and networking in Singapore and Malaysia. I prefer, and for sure, I want to stay permanently in Singapore. That's what I want.
However, God told me that what I wanted was not what I needed. The job offers came from India, Cambodia, Jakarta, and Australia (the same month I arrived in Jakarta). I prayed for these job offers, and the job offer in Jakarta asked me to be there ASAP. Meanwhile, we were in the middle of the school's accreditation from our international program.
I prayed and said that if this job offer came from God, God would make way for me to return home or lead me somewhere according to God's plan. However, I could not hurt my integrity in my work and leave my school in Batam in the middle of accreditation. Therefore, I rejected the work offer in Jakarta.
God indeed made a way. The job offer was still there for me, and they said to wait for me after I was done with the school accreditation in Batam. Hallelujah. I did not even bother to ask about the salary or facilities offered by that school in Jakarta and to compare because I know no money can buy my integrity.
When the HRD staff from my school in Jakarta told me they would wait for me, I cried in my prayer. Therefore I know that my returning to Jakarta is not something that happened because I wanted it, but because I am needed, God wants me to be closer to my family here in Jakarta.
The Future Spouse
I want him! HAHAHA. However, does God want him to be my husband and me to be his wife?
Part of God's Kingdom and for His Glory
I think from these three stories of my life; that God always shows me that God knows what I need to support God's plan for His Kingdom and glory. My life and pathways are not just happening like that. My pathway is part of God's plan for His Kingdom and glory.
How do you know your pathway according to God's Kingdom and glory? Set up your standard and values in Jesus Christ.
Be honest with yourself. Are your prayers only for material things and your benefit? Are you blinded by your desire and wants? Do you let yourself open your eyes and listen to God's voice about what God wants in your life? Be honest and have the humility that our capacity as human is limited. We can make our best effort but put the rest on God. Have faith that God always knows what the best for us. Close your prayers by saying, "Thy will be done." Wish we shared the same pathway for God's Kingdom on Earth.
Human salvation is a gift given by God. It is not something that can be bought by money, not human effort. My pastor often keeps saying we are saved by grace through faith.
There are two common perspectives of Christians seeing themselves, the one who feels righteous and the one who feels sinful. The one who feels righteous would think that they are okay, follow God's words, give charity, and help people. They do not kill people, do not rape people, do not steal; they are not drunkards, do not have a drug addiction, etc.
Meanwhile, those who feel sinful think there is no more God's mercy. What they have done was too evil; they are cursed, and later on, being ignorant about their salvation, they do not give a f*ck and want to pass day by day, doing their best.
We tend to see the past, regret things that we could not change, and not see any possibility if there is hope, there is a meaning in those painful journeys, and we still can hope to see the bright future ahead. I can write this because I experience it myself.
The Dark Side
I thought about suicide in my teenage and frequently asked myself why I needed to be born in this world? I could not see the future at all. I could only see the present moment and the past. I was away from God; I stopped visiting the church and thought there was no value in attending church. I believe God is everywhere and not limited to a tiny building called a church.
I am blessed to be a strong-minded teen and used my brain to do something beneficial in my future life: reading. Reading and books saved me; at least they distracted my complicated mind into something positive. However, my dark side stayed for years until I worked in Papua.
The Miracle
In Papua, God gave me a second chance. God showed me the experience of being loved completely, unconditionally. I found God's love through my students and the kids I met in Papua. God showed me how this ugly dark evil thought me transformed by God's love. This tiny little dust of me could be a blessing for simple things I shared through my job and voluntary actions in Papua.
This miracle moment, God's second chance, changed me to be a different person. I keep asking myself before doing something if this is something right? If this is something that God wants in my life? I put God into consideration before making decisions. It is totally different compared to the dark side previous me.
The journey is still going on. However, in my time of exile, I read and watched two stories of people from the Bible who also received the blessing of a second chance from God. They are Peter and Paul, the apostles.
Peter Denied Jesus
Jesus was caught in the Garden of Gethsemane by the Roman soldiers. Bible pointed out Peter, who was asked three times if he was one of Jesus's disciples. In this context, Jesus was a political figure under the death penalty, which meant that all who related to Jesus were in danger.
In Luke 22:54-62, Peter denied that he knew Jesus and cried once he realized he did wrong. The different response between Peter and Judas was their repentance. Judas regretted what he was doing and tried to return the ransom money to the pharisee, but the blood money was rejected. Judas could not see any other hope to "fix" what he had done and chose to kill himself.
Meanwhile, Peter expressed his regret by answering Jesus after his resurrection, he said Yes, when Jesus asked Peter to feed Jesus's lambs.
17 He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. (John 21:17).
It was the second chance opened for Peter, and he was devoted to beginning the ministry to spread the good news of human salvation through Jesus Christ.
The Road of Damascus
Paul was the 'bonus' apostle. I believe none of Jesus's disciples thought that the murderer of Christians one day became part of Jesus's followers, the die-through hard fans, and went martyrs for Jesus.
Paul or Saul was a Roman citizen, an educated and devout Jewish, and had an imminent philosopher as his teacher, Gamaliel. He did not believe in Jesus' resurrection and Jesus as a messiah. Therefore, Paul thought that the early churches were a cult and went after them to kill them.
He gave orders and approved the killing of Christians. One day on his way to Damascus, Paul (Saul) saw a bright light and a voice who asked, "Why are you persecuting me?"
That was Paul's second chance! Paul became a devoted Jesus apostle, traveled worldwide, and spent more than 30 years in the ministry of Jesus' teaching. He was the one who convinced Jesus' message to the rest of the early church that salvation was not limited to convert people to be Jewish but for everyone coming from different culture, country, and race.
16 Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. 17 And when they saw him they worshiped him, but some doubted. 18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[b] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:16-20).
Paul wrote letters to the early churches in the Galatia, Ephesus, Philippi, Colosse, and Thessalonica. As a scholar, Paul understood Jewish law, experienced himself meeting with Jesus, traveled under death threat by the Jewish community at that time, and cared for the early church growth, which needed spiritual support in the persecution.
It wasn't easy to transport a letter or any written text about Jesus because the Christians were persecuted. Therefore, be thankful for the Bible that you read today. They would not be there for you to be read today if there is no God's grace.
The Gift
Paul, Peter, and many others in the Bible are an example that everyone who does wrong always has a second chance. You are loved completely and unconditionally by God. However, this beautiful moment when you realize it, is personal and revives your life; it's a gift.
I was born and raised in the Christian family, read the Bible, and spent my childhood in Sunday School. However, I did not experience how much Jesus love(s) me until I was in Papua when I was 30 years old. It is truly a gift. Saved by grace through faith. Just like what Paul potrayed in the Paul the Apostle movie, as seen on this YouTube.
I wish you also have that beautiful moment, and remember everyone always has their second, third, fourth, and infinite chances to part from the painful past, mistakes, and guilt. Jesus loves you unconditionally, completely. Love is the only way. God bless you.
I watched Hollywood romantic comedies like You've Got Mail, Kate & Leopold, French Kiss, Pretty Woman, Notting Hill, Autumn in New York, and Serendipity years ago in my teenage. They are my favorite. I think deep inside; there is something left inside me that I am waiting for that special moment to happen in my life.
However, my cousin once said that I shouldn't watch Korean dramas to prevent me from getting too much into romantic feelings rather than using my brain. He told me this golden advice when I was in Papua, maybe around 2017. I have not watched Korean drama or any Holywood romantic drama for five years.
I am busy and have a lot of things to do, and watching movies has never been my priority. I do not need to buy a television in my dorm or subscribe to any movie channel. I might watch blockbuster movies in the movie theater, but something like Joker or Parasite, lol. Therefore, my life is relatively safe from this unuseful thought about romance, etc., for these five years, until..
Yes, 'until'.. You read it well, hahaha.
The Question
At this moment, I am kind of close with this kind-hearted man, and I kept asking myself about my feelings. What is this? Where my value in seeing a relationship is Agape Love, I kept asking myself if this feeling coming from God or what?
Why Do People Fall in Love?
Years ago, I had this depth discussion with my best friend and asked him what made people fall in love? I stared at our motorcycle helmets in his home, and I told him that from many motorcycle helmets in this world, I could not explain why I only liked this (my) yellow helmet. It had lost twice, but I kept buying the same helmet.
Meanwhile, I know in several cases, many people do not get married to people that they fall in love with. Therefore, I concluded that falling in love is a fate, but getting married to whom is your (own) decision. However, I asked again, why? Why do people fall in love with someone they could not be with? Why do people need to fall in love? Why does it have to happen?
I was thinking hard that night; I believed it was around midnight because we were in the middle of working on a project for our community. My friends and I slept over in his home. That me-time and depth conversation at the perfect time inspired me to the answer: God let people fall in love to understand how much God loves you. From a Christian perspective, how much Jesus sacrifices for us. I was in awe when I found the answer.
People say that love makes you stupid, love makes you sacrifice, and for sure, you can never be able to choose with whom you fall in love. You fall in love randomly. You might be with this person for years, not feeling anything at all, or maybe something might happen later. Or else, you just met this person in a brief time, and there will be something. You never know.
Falling in love is destined by God.
Please note that those discussions I had with my best friend happened years ago when I was in Papua. I almost forgot about how significant the falling in love feeling is. I tend to close my heart and prioritize my brain more to protect myself from unnecessary romantic drama. I did it well for five years until love knocked at the door.
Notting Hill
Here in my exile, I watch the movie recommendation by Netflix, two movies that used to be my favorite: Notting Hill and Serendipity. In Notting Hill, William Thacker (Hugh Grant) almost made a mistake by rejecting Anna Scott's (Julia Roberts) love confession.
This is what he said:
"The thing is, with you I'm in real danger. ... but my relatively inexperienced heart would I fear not recover if I was, once again, cast aside as I would absolutely expect to be.... "
William Thacker is me who was afraid to fall in love and perfectly said; I fear that my inexperienced heart would not recover if something terrible happened in the future. I have never been in love, and I better keep my love safe for my future husband.
I kept his lines in my mind and wondered what made William Thacker and Anna Scott fall in love. What exactly truly happened? While listening to When You Say Nothing at All from Ronan Keating as Nothing Hill's OST, I repeatedly think about the question over and over again. The movie told me you could love someone even by saying nothing at all. In the Notting Hill movie, the lead actors never said, "I love you," but they knew each other's feelings.
Serendipity
This movie made the "worst" impact on me.
Seven years after their brief meeting, Jonathan Trager (John Cusack) and Sara Thomas (Kate Beckinsale) could not forget each other. They were in a relationship, but they knew their current partner was not the 'one'.
They were engaged and in the week will get married with different partner, but still, Jon and Sara questioned themselves. If their current partner was the 'one', why did they keep looking for each other, Jon looked for Sara, and Sara looked for John?
It seemed that Jon failed to find Sara, and Sara failed to find Jon, but the two of them were sure that they could not lie to their feeling, and they broke up their engagement with their partner. Later, Jon and Sara found each other again in the ice rink, and everything restarted. What made them crazy about each other, even after seven years? The answer is because they knew!
Sara: You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith.
Jonathan: Faith in what?
Sara: Destiny
Both Jonathan and Sara could get married to their engaged partner at that moment, but was that something that they desired?
Life after the Movie
Now, back to reality, which is life after the 'movie'. Is there such thing as a happily ever after for both couples, William Thacker & Julia Roberts and Jonathan Trager & Sara Thomas? Both of them are married in the movie but will it last? None can answer because it's fiction.
How many people were married because of the feeling of falling in love as the priority? Love comes first. I do strongly agree about that. I also could not imagine being married to someone I do not love. However, seeing the statistics of a divorcee in this current time, should not we ask the same question, why?
If love becomes the first reason and priority of people getting married, what went wrong in the middle of the journey?
If Sara in Serendipity believes in destiny, I believe in God.
Falling in love is destined by God but getting married is your own decision. These are my consideration:
Is there anyone who asked God from all my Holywood favorite movies I have mentioned above?
Do they pray to God?
Do they check what's God will?
Is this man someone 'destined' to be my lifetime partner?
Do we have the same vision in life, having the life with the same purpose to build a Godly family?
None of the movie characters asked these questions, and perhaps neither did we.
The Happily Ever After
This movie stops at the stage where we think it is the happily ever after. But we know the challenges and the life homework are waiting in the marriage, aren't they? This is the ugly truth of reality.
My happily ever after is when I know my "job" in this world is fulfilled, and I am returned to my eternal home, Jesus Christ. The world is full of suffering, but with Jesus Christ, I found my never-ending joy; I have the hope this my short life is worthwhile. Happiness comes from inside me, from how I know myself and see life.
Having a life partner is a bonus; to know that both of us (my future spouse and I) have a lifetime partner to go through this journey together towards God. But my happiness source does not come from other people; it always comes from God. Therefore, I believe it is our responsibility to feel content about ourselves first before we can take care of other people.
You can't hurry and target any marriage for this year, next year, or some years, or get married only to please your parents and society. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and the journey will not be short; it is a long life. Make sure you marry someone you love and both of you have the same direction in life. Getting married because of love only is not enough.
I genuinely hope you also find your happily ever after, and do not afraid to fall in love.
I have asked myself over and over again why it seemed I missed all those 'chances'? From 2011 until 2022, I have never been in any relationship, 11 years already, lol.
It doesn't mean I am not interested in the man or vice versa. I am interested in man, but my logic works well. My first consideration is faith. I was raised as a Christian and truly blessed with how God works through my life. Therefore, if any man tries to get closer to me for romantic purposes, I usually pray about him. I ask God's guidance if he is the 'one.' I pray that God let me to fall in love only for the man who will be my husband in the future. However, most of the time, I rarely realize if this man is interested in me until it is too late. He has already gone.
It seemed that I wore the special glasses, where I couldn't see any man who was not a Jesus follower as a potential husband in the future. It is usually clear from the beginning until I return to Jakarta and think again about what happened between these 11 years.
I asked myself, what happened to me? Where have I been within these 11 years? Which opportunities have I missed? What makes me strict with my decision and not even consider any man my boyfriend? I know many women easily fall in love and have a relationship with anyone, not having these complicated thoughts like me.
Agape Love & Humanity
I was mad at God. Why did God let me miss the opportunities to be in a relationship or get married within these 11 years? Why does none of those men get a "Yes" answer from God to be my husband? Therefore, I opened a chance to get closer to an unbeliever last December. His religion is humanity, btw.
I thought Agape Love in Christianity is similar to this religion of humanity. That we have the same purpose, doing kindness to other people. However, I was wrong. God told me (you read it right 'God told me') that it is different. Humanity's religion does not admit God's sovereignty in people's life. Meanwhile, Love Agape shows us the example of how Jesus's death saves humanity. We have Jesus Christ as our savior, but humanity does not have any faith in him as God and the savior.
I repent because of that 'incident' and commit to putting God as my first priority in many aspects of my life. Within these six months, I experienced a lot of life challenges. Most of all, I have grown both in faith and mind. As part of it, I decided to exile myself for a month in my 'cave' here as part of knowing about myself.
I brought several books with various topics and scopes, and this is what I want to share with you as part of my growth journey of knowing myself .
Emotional Intelligence
This book is written by Daniel Goleman and inspires how important we understand ourselves to bring intelligence to our emotions. I found this book to help to answer my questions about the "vacant" 11 years without any relationship.
First, Goleman told us that our genetics is like a lottery. However, our EI is shaped mainly by our environment and upbringing in childhood. But temperament is not permanent. We can have invasive therapy to change the not fit temperament we have. Just imagine that the brain is like plastic that can be molded. The difference is that it is easier to mold the plastic in childhood than in adulthood. Nothing is impossible.
Second, Goleman showed how the communication inability between the spouses causes many divorce cases. Men and women have different ways of communicating needs, and if there is not enough respect, love, and understanding, it will lead to destruction.
Third, what will happen to the 'unavailable' spouses who have children? They would not be available emotionally for their kids' upbringing. It turned out to be an ugly circle. The lack of love in parenting will lead the children to be adults with many emotional problems, and the process goes around.
Goleman wrote about how EI relates to our brains' growth or parts and how empathy can drive humans to be better people in society. I 'translated' this part in the Christian perspective of how Love Agape drives humans to be better people, right? I put Jesus's love as my role model and compass of empathy. Jesus love motivates me to be able to forgive people and from leave anger to other people. In times of challenges, I am optimistic and hopeful because I know God's plan is always the best.
What Happened If I Were Married 11 Years Ago
It would be a disaster. I just realized that after I finished reading Goleman's book. I was not ready mentally. I do not know who made the society standard to put us as if everyone is prepared for marriage in their 20s.
Goleman's writing shows me that we need mental maturity to be in a marriage and even further to have children. We are talking about raising an additional soul in the Earth's society. What is the point of having neglected children and adding another problem to the world? Not everyone is ready and able to be good parents.
How can you let a new stranger be part of life (and that fast) to be your spouse whom you do not know this person that deep, while you do not even know or understand about yourself first? I do not know how is everyone's spiritual journey, but I find that 11 years not even can answer all my questioning myself.
Marriage is not about profit and loss. Marriage is about loss; you are losing your ego and stubbornness. You learned to compromise. This is not only about you and your spouse, but how the two of you can be happy and grow.
Marriage without growth is a dead end. Everyone will not stay the same, there will be life changes, and we see things differently. How can you communicate it well with your spouse? How can you be sure you can trust this one person to be faithful as your spouse if both of you do not have the same goal and values?
These all understanding come after my 11 years wandering as a single woman. If I had been married 11 years ago without these insights, I believe I am already divorced by this time and might have my neglected children with me. My poor children, they could not choose who their father was. I was the one who failed to select a good father for my children.
This is just an 'if' condition, but it's already broken my heart. How many children worldwide grow up lacking their parents' love and attention? These failed parents are self-centered and only choose their sole happiness without considering their responsibility for another soul, not only providing them the worldly and materialistic things.
God Understands
God understands my inexperienced heart capacity. I know I could not survive mentally if I failed my marriage. Either I would be wild, dead in agony, or might became a lesbian because I stopped to trust a man. I am blessed and thankful that God postponed my marriage for these 11 years. God leads me on the journey of finding myself, loving myself first, and knowing what I really want in a marriage.
Having a spouse is no longer only about being loved or loving a man. He shall be a man with mental maturity and is responsible for being a loving father to our future children. I forgot to pray about this; I only pray to have a faithful husband in Jesus Christ. I have to add another point, to have a husband who can be a loving and responsible parent for our future children.
And if I find anyone else asked the same question as me, about why they haven't married yet, I will suggest them to discover about themselves first. Wait for God's answer patiently, and be mindful that our future children can't choose who their father/mother is. It is up to our choice and decision.
Be patient in your waiting and searching. God bless.
Maybe you have heard this story before, "If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." Disclaimer: I think this statement works for both sides and spouses.
The Pain
However, let's discuss more why there is pain or, in other words, unhappiness. Based on C.S. Lewis's book The Problem of Pain, by having pain, we will experience having God in the most challenging time.
Moreover, Jesus said it is difficult for wealthy people to enter the kingdom in heaven. It doesn't mean it is impossible, but he said it is difficult because their eyes are blinded by wealth. Everything can be bought by money, money has power, and nothing is impossible by money. This kind of mindset drives people away from God. God is no longer needed for people with this mindset.
23 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:23)
I think most Christians know about the concept of pain and how we understand that money is the new mammon/idol. You can close your eyes, be silent and not speak anything, or not do anything even when you know something is wrong.
Therefore I believe to "scare" humans to do the right thing only using the concept of sins, or if you are doing this, you will go to hell/heaven, would not be a depth help to advance our civilization better. People will quickly quiver when faced with a real deal of problems.
Understanding who you are will give you a strong self-concept and dignity, and you will have this no-money-can-buy-me concept. It is not easy because you will frequently have a decision that is not popular in the commoners' sight.
The Common Sense + Jesus
In my case, I will not only use my common sense but also my values in what Jesus said as my moral pathway and to be in that lonely samurai way with God.
If we read what happened with Job in the Old Testament, it was interesting to know how God let Job experience suffering and loss. Job even said that death is better than being alive. I think Job's chapter is really fit and can help people who are depressed and suffering. He and his friends asked many questions about suffering and why it happened to Job. I think their conversation is almost like a philosophy class. You need to read the whole chapters!
From Job's time until now, the pain and sufferings are with humans. Many people ask if God is here and God is that GOOD, why does God let pain, suffering, death, and wars exist on the Earth? If you depend on your efforts, no human efforts can bring joy and peace to your life. Life is full of worries and evil.
However, having Jesus and God's covenant brings hope for humanity. That God is God of justice. Jesus always becomes my first supporter of life. He loves me abundantly, unconditionally. Therefore, I am no longer out of number, how many decisions I have made because I hold to my values as God's daughter.
I used common sense but anchored my values based on what Jesus said. My honesty, dignity, and respect for human life are something that can't be bargained for. And this is what I am proud of, no-money-can-buy-me-mentality. I find this is rare because most people compromise their values for money, power, greed, or lust.
Jesus = Hope
Many people critique the Old Testament, which seemed no longer contextual in our time today. However, I learned that Old Testament is like a history book that records what happened in the past and what we can learn from it. Jesus comes to this life as part of God's covenant. Having Jesus means you have hope.
I think I had depression when I was a teenager and could not imagine my life without Jesus. Without Jesus, I will lose my moral compass and might run away to the dark forces. Having Jesus, in my most challenging time, I have hope, that God loves me and be with me within my life struggles.
Without Jesus, life will be chaotic, and I do not see there is the harm in doing kindness to people around you. Compared to the geniuses who created weapons or nuclear bombs. They are smarties people, but their values is not based on Jesus. This is what I regret the most—these smarties people who have a limited capacity of love for the human race.
Let's break this evil circle, share the love and kindness, and it all begins with each of us.
I just finished reading a difficult book called "What is History?" by Edward Hallett Carr. The book was published in 1961 and not written easy-to-read format for current people in 2022. I am so sorry. I would not give any conclusion or promote the book to you, but I will emphasize two exciting points from the book.
The History
Carr told us, "imagine the past remember the future." He shared how historians write history by having no idea about what happened in the past (just prediction), and by considering what happened now and through the future, they have the guideline on where to begin their research and writing.
Reflecting on my previous writing, Know Yourself, this is one thing that I learned about myself: That we are the product of our decisions, nature, and nurture. You will understand more about yourself by learning about your history, where you are coming from, the culture, and family background.
For example, to learn where my feminist perspective comes from, I understand that I am fighting for the patriarchy of Bataknese. By understanding that this is a culture that coming ancient for hundred years, there is nothing much I can do. Therefore, better to decide to limit my Bataknese circle and experiences.
Another thing is to understand why my imperfect parents' characters are like that and how they were nurtured. Finding your family genealogy, understanding who your grandparents are, and the vital, essential factors occured in the family tree can also help you understand your upbringing.
The Values
Carr wrote, "Facts cannot be derived from values... A clue to this problem of facts and values is provided by our ordinary use of the word "truth"-a word which straddles the world of fact and the world of value and is made up of elements of both."
It means we need to be able to see that facts can be seen differently by people with different values. For example, most people of Indonesia can accept the patriarchy because they value that man has to be the leader. Men have the ultimate voice and opinion to be heard; women do not.
The 'Truth'?
Which one is the truth? Men as the ultimate leader or equality between men and women to speak and have an opinion? They are talking about the same concept, the fact of patriarchy. Still, because I reflect on my history and upbringing, I know that I choose the equality of gender in marriage.
Therefore, there is no point in debating the same fact when you know you and the other side have a different value. From the agnostic/atheist perspective, the big bang theory just happened like that, and that's how the universe is there. Vice versa, for me, I believe there is a life after the big bang theory (because Genesis 1: 3 said, "And God said, Let there be light: and there was light."). However, I believe that the universe is here not just happened like that; there is God's purpose.
We talk about the same fact, The Big Bang Theory, but because we have different values, we will interpret this 'fact'/data as our truth (differently). Therefore, I think the world will be better if we appreciate that everyone is different and we have different values in seeing many things in life.
We can't force people to accept the same 'truth' as what we have. We can find the same common ground, that we are talking about the same fact but interpret the fact/data with different values. However, I still emphasize that humanity has some universal moral code, and we can use it as the bridge between our conversations in this diverse community.
Check on Your History
If you want to know more about yourself, recheck your family history and learn where your values are coming from. Life will not be that complicated anymore, and it will be easier for you to accept yourself as it is or if you genuinely want to change your current life. The choice is yours!
Ah, I am always blessed in my church Sunday service. Last Sunday, we read Luke 10:25-37 about a question a young man gave to Jesus: "Who is our neighbor?" to inherit eternal life.
Jesus always wants to know us more by not directly answering the question but by asking another question, "What is written in the law? How readest thou?" He asked, what is written in the (Jewish) law and how is your comprehension about it, what you have read about it? Interesting, isn't it?
Know Yourself
How many minutes do we spend reading the bible or having the thirst to learn more about God? Do we feel enough just visiting the church on Sunday, listening to the preacher, and taking the message as motivational training?
My latest writing mostly talks about, ask, and you will find, my experience having the bible studies and my encounter with three churches as my path to be more like Jesus. My previous post was about knowing yourself, and in a way, to understand yourself, you need to understand where you are coming from, what you are doing here on Earth, and what your purpose is to be here, on Earth.
And to understand these all things, you need to back to your root. If you believe in God, then it is a good starting point. You can ask yourself, why do you believe in God? Why do you practice any religious tradition, etc? Do you do that because your parents telling you to do that? Or just because everyone else in the family has this same religion?
Do you feel fed up with this hypocrisy and tend to choose to be an agnostic/atheist without anyone knowing? (FYI, In Indonesia, you need to select at least one religion, or else you are breaking the law. I am serious; this is not a joke).
You can choose the not-so-easy way by asking these complicated questions to yourself and trying to find the answers, or just being ignorant and leaving everything else out there. In my case, I have been looking for a solution to my questions for five years, and I believe it will be a lifelong lesson.
And the easiest way for everyone to begin is to read their Bible.
The Bible Version
Unfortunately, I do not know what happened in Indonesia, but we have the standard Bible in Bahasa Indonesia. Why do I mean with the standard Bible? It is only printed without any details for the commentary in the footnotes.
Reading the Bible by yourself usually is not easy. First, the Bible in Bahasa Indonesia typically uses a different meaning than the English version. Even the Bible has a lot of English version translations. What will happen with the Bahasa Indonesia version, where our Bahasa Indonesia words are also limited in vocabulary?
The more you read it yourself without the guide, then you will be confused. You will have many questions but none to help explain the answers to you. Therefore, you need guidance in reading your Bible. Usually, having a bible studies group in the church will be very helpful. However, based on my life experience, after 30 years more church service, only a church in Singapore can answer my need to have the depth of bible studies. What happens with churches in Indonesia?
Rolling in the Deep
The problem in Indonesia, people are not comfortable when someone questions their faith and religion, including if you ask yourself. I find it ridiculous. To who else can you be the most honest about the true you if it is not yourself? That is the core question, to know yourself.
Therefore in most churches in Indonesia, if people have a bible study, usually they will learn one part of the Bible to be discussed. Maybe one or two people will testify about what happened in their life and how God blessed them. But, let's put it straight if someone can be confident to explain why Jesus is God and Savior, not just because of faith?
How can you make it accountable and have strong reasoning about Jesus as God and savior? I would not say that faith is not enough. Faith is enough for us, but we need to feed our minds. How can you be confident to be there in the materialistic world between the wolves if you can't have a solid ground about it?
I never find any church as crazy as my church in Singapore, which lets their church member have the wild question session in our bible studies group, ask anything, let me repeat, ANYTHING you find weird while reading your Bible.
Why is our pastor that confident? And he can explain almost everything based on the Scripture, not only answering, "Because I have a faith." Moreover, he appreciates every weird question we have and guides us patiently to learn about God's Words. The most important thing is that if there is a matter about the church denomination's beliefs, he never states the ULTIMATE answer and points out that other churches are wrong. He answered, "This is what we believe as Presbyterian." That's all.
And he is not a person who takes a phrase or two from the Bible to support the answer. He shows the whole part of the Scripture and even gives us a reference to which book or based on whose scholar can help that view. This amazing man is truly become a blessing for us, especially me. Even though I am not a Singaporean, somehow, God answered my prayer and guided me to go to that church!
FYI, he has a postdoctoral degree in Theology from Trinity College in the USA. He used his brain well and was a dean at Singapore Bible College. Teaching is one of his callings.
Learning about the Core
Now, my reflection, what happened in Indonesia? What makes us left behind in unity as Christians in Indonesia? We have a lot of denominations here in Indonesia, and kinds of churches based on local tribes, and everyone has their doctrines and bible school, which say their truth is the ULTIMATE truth. Period.
This is weird, where Christians are more open to unbelievers than the same Christians but come from different denominations. Who made the curriculum in pastoral education? That is a big question why we can't make a curriculum that can bridge the gap between the church denominations?
Everyone needs to point out that my denomination has the ULTIMATE truth, and you are not. Why could not you answer calmly, this is what we believe as this denomination, but we are on the same ground as Christian, that we are loved and saved by the grace of Jesus Christ.
In the worse case, the church is not brave enough to encourage the young people criticize what they have read in the Bible. You need to read and have faith 100% in it—no need to use your brain. No wonder many Jesus' followers left their faith or married the unbelievers because they had no idea about the core of being Jesus' followers. Why is it so precious and irreplaceable by anything in the world?
Prepare the Pathway
Allow the kids to ask questions, and give them the confidence to ask anything from the Bible. You, as adults, need to equip yourself and put some effort into finding yourself first; therefore, you can provide the pathway for anyone who asks the same questions.
Read your Bible
In my case, I am blessed to be able to have my Bible with commentary, which is constructive in understanding the bible context while I read it.
Find a Bible Study Group
I would not recommend having the independent bible study group. But find someone who is a scholar—a pastor who learned the Scripture for years and is wise.
"Because what is the point of knowing who Jesus is, but you can't be a blessing to someone else and do not give a positive impact in your community?" This is what my pastor usually said.
Back to Jesus' question, before you ask a question to God, ask yourself first, Have you read the Bible? How much effort do you give to know Jesus more?
