Friska Notes

Last night, I went from library with my high school friend. We had a good, funny, and fun conversation. We haven't meet in long time. So a lot of stories to told HAHAHAHA. I took her home first and we still had a chat for 1 hour more lol.. Anyway, some of the conversation was rejoicing and make me glad to have her as a friend. Actually we are very different in physical, gesture-you can say that she is very very feminine, and I am the contrary HAHAHAHAHA. But both of us have a common thing, which is broadness of thinking and easily talk anything in our mind openly :D

One of our conversation that makes me think more, is from her story. She told me that before in our friends farewell party there was something funny about me. Once upon the time, me and a friend-Ms. T were the last ones to come to the farewell party. And I didn't know where exactly the party's held. So that I need a guidance from my friends who've already there. I asked their guidance by phone. I've already understand the road and in front of the alley, I met some of my friends who waiting for me. I was touched.


But, there was a behind story. My friend told me that a friend of us, Mr. D, actually didn't want to wait for me with others in front of the alley. He told my friend that "friska can do it by herself, she is strong" it sounds like a compliment if I translate in English, but in the real Indonesian words, it gave a irony understanding, he said "udahlah, si friska gak usah ditungguin, dia kan kekar". Just do laugh as your wish. But for me it's not funny and it's like an insulting phrase. Better him to say, "I'm lazy to wait for her" than saying that phrase. This story really shocked me out, that once again my analysis and thinking about common people physical taught are right.

There was also a time before, where I knew a friend of mine, Ms. L is a sweet and nice girl. And somehow EVERY MAN is able to help her. She is never has any difficulty with going anywhere and doing anything. All she has to do is ask for help and every man in our class doesn't hesitate to help her. I was wondering in that time, how come?? I compared that with myself, where it's very difficult to ask other help, for woman and man both. And anyone will not hesitate to NOT help me LOL. HAHAHAHA. It's ironic. From that time, I was thinking, why? the answer came and my cynical mind said, "it's because you are not pretty and you are don't have a weak image and needed to help" again, in English term it sounds normal. But in Indonesia terms, it sounds more sarcastic "Itu karena gw gak cakep, dan gak punya kesan lemah dan perlu dibantu". Anyway, it's just my thinking and I never think it's for real until last night.


I feel both happy and disappointed. Happy because another analysis from mine is right. Disappointed to realize that common people are everywhere and they will always think shallow and nothing can change them. That's why I feel like defeated by the world. The world and common people in it, are the winner. I can't do nothing to change them, I have to change to get accepted by the common people or I just stay as I am. If I want to stay as I am, I have to accept: this is the world, there are a lot of common people, nothing can change that. I have to accept everything the way it is and no more complaining about people behavior, even though it hurts me. It's disappointing but I have to accept it. No other choice, such as 'take it or leave it'. Because I can't leave the world forever, except I died lol wkwkwkwkwkwk :D

This is me, and my mind. I think this is me and I'm pretty comfortable at. Even though, live for a moment can make me exhausted too. When I'm busy and my mind come for it 100%, I'll work hard at it and will forget other thing. Such as promises I made in the same day, eat, take a bath, do brush teeth, check on my hand phone, pick up the phone, read short messaging service, etc. After the exhausted days, I will be unconscious want to have fun or take a rest :D

My feeling right now is miserable, feels break and hurt, it's indescribable. For many times, I feel my heart hurt again. I'm disappointed for the situation, for the people. How my heart hurt and break is indescribable. I can't describe it. I just feel empty and flat. I don't cry. My heart feels something I can't even describe.

For many times, in the past I've cried for some problems I can't solve and feel disappointed at. But I know, those cries never solve any problem. And then I stop crying. I feel my tears are so worth and valuable to threw for somebody invaluable. It's enough!

This morning I had chat with a good friend of mine. Didn't know how, but our conversation became deeper into physiological things. He said that tears are needed for anyone who already passed crisis time, where somebody release and solve their problems. Tears are a must and no way you can solve your 'heart of problem' without tears.

I said to him that I hate cry and tears, and I don't want to cry and ruin my 'happiness', mood, and my life 'stability'. But he said, if I do that, my problems will be accumulated. But I think it's okay. Because I'm not ready yet to face the problems all at once. I don't want to have a bad mood, become sad, unhappy, and cry for my problems. I'm pretty comfortable with my condition right now. By the end of conversation, I just asked him to be there for me, if that time, my confession time is came.

Just tonight, I come home little bit late and there's something incident that makes me pretty shock. Totally I think there's no use. I give up!! It's enough. It has to be ended. My patience is over. I will keep silent, no comment, and never to use my heart to anything happened in the future. I will use my flat emotion and never think anything about them. And of course there will be no tears for them.

When the world and the 'common' people are different from you...
Recently I had some conversations with friends. From usual chit chat it became a deeper conversation and confession to our secrets HAHAHAHA..
From our conversation and listen about other stories, I know that the world today and the 'common' people are very different from myself, my point of view about life. Lets talk first about beautifulness. Like I've written before in my post that appearance can deceiving, but the world today and 'common' people still do that.

1. My friend said, he was ask someone to be his girl friend, even though he didn't know much about her. He only interested (firstly) because of her 'beautifulness'. I said it 'beautiful' because I didn't think so, and I know already who is she, how is her behavior, and her dark side.
2. In some vacancies, appearance is still valuated, even though it's a back desk job
3. There are some men behavior where they are only want to be near beautiful women and prefer to talk with them than to talk with the average appearance women
4. And of course beautiful women always easier to be remembered than the average appearance women.

Everybody has own problems. Maybe you'll think you have the worst problems than others. Sometimes, you will think like that, and maybe you are right. Your problems are worse from other person. But, you are not alone. Many people have even worse problems than yours. You just have to open your eyes and your heart and you will realize. Even though you are suffering you still have some good points in your life.

Recently I have a chat with a good friend of mine. I don't tell him anything about my problems whom I think is the worst problem from all over my life. But hear his story about his friend, make me wonder. That his friend even has a very dangerous situation where common people can't help her. Actually my problem can be solved if I'm not shy to ask other people help. But her problem is worse. Nobody can help her, because that's not a problem where we, common people can help her. Too bad for her. Even though I don't know her but I feel sorry for her. I hope she will get the best and God will always protect her.

I'm now can think clearly and I think I can do it and solve my problems if I'm brave enough for asking help. I always think when I ask for people help, I usually get disappointed. That's why asking for help is not my habit. But I should move on. Make a real step or my problems will never solved!!

Everyone have their own problems. Like Indrawan Tjin said "the problem is yours". So do I. I have a pretty big problem related to time and money. More stressful I am,  more ignorant I become. I'm dizzy and even can't think and don't know whom I can shared this burned with. Too many problems in once.

Also like the old man said "you can't choose who your parents and family are". Nothing you can do about it. Every time I think about it, I just want to close my eyes and my ears, don't want to hear and see anything about it. I want to run, go out from this damned circle and cage. I find my happiness and freedom outside the house and don't want to think about it anymore. But every time I come home, the pressure and the problems again show up. I don't want to cry, I don't want to grumble much about this. I just want to go out, find my freedom and finish my problems. It just counting days on until the deadline.

Sometimes I think that death is the most easy way to run away from all those problems. But I don't want to suicide. I want to die naturally. So, in the past, I remember my pray to God, If it's His will, I'm not hesitate to die immediately. I know that life means suffer and pain vice versa with the happiness itself. Then, it's your own choice. It's all your point view, how you can see the world is. Yeah I know world and life is all happiness, life as human, can enjoy every moment of life and beautifulness but also life has problems. And the problems ******!!

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