Why am I writing this blog?

You can say it, whine, complain, grief, burden, or just want to share anything to anyone, we need an urge to drain it off immediately. For me, it's harder to be honest to yourself than to other people. It's the hardest to face the reality and be blunt honestly about it. As for me, in my 'real' life (I won't say this is the fake one, it's just have a different terms phase) I'm almost honest about anything, what's in my mind, how's my opinion about something, or just to tell or shown it to somebody whether I like someone or not. In other people's thinking I am an extroverted person. I won't said it's totally wrong because in fact I love to meet people and have chit chat a lot.

The condition will be change in contrast for me when it's time for me have to share about my family background. I won't say that I hate my family so much. But there's one or two things (or may be a lot more things) I think other people don't need to know. Too bad here in Indonesia, your business also become ours. Who you are, what do you do for living, how is your family background, etc becomes almost everybody curiosity.  Not only asking but people keep also remember it and will ask it again in the next occasion. "hey how's is your mom? your ..."  It becomes habitual in Indonesia, keep used to it. In this kind of sh*t I'll turn into introverted mode on.

So why am I keep writing a blog which talk about my deeper inside of thought (but still I didn't tell a lot about my family ya)? I need a refreshment, I need somewhere someplace I can talk anything on my mind without being judged. I do have friends but I think I'm not capable to tell my every story to my friend. Seriously they could be fainted to hear one by one of my babbles. So that's why even though I'm not writing frequently but I do still love this blog. Purposely I write it in English so that my Indonesia fellow will feel lazy to read it on. But I will be felt really appreciated if any Indonesia fellow read my blog and can use their sense. Also, I've deleted this blog link from my facebook page. I've removed it because once I made a kind of 'dangerous' post for common people to read on this blog. Maybe someday I'll put it again after I've brave enough to be read on.

Strangely, it's much more comfortable to get criticized by a stranger than our own friends and relatives.

My biggest fear

What is my biggest fear? I have to admit it now, that I am really scared to get involved in a thing called "relationship and marriage".

Okay, I think about it over and my relationship scary rate raise about 60%
and the marriage scary rate raise up to 100% HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I had a terrible past life where I can't believe other people easily and that makes me introvert and keeps private my personal and family life. In the past, if I haven't met some fabulous men before, I would said I hate men.
But I realize it's not the men fault, it's just most of them, their personalities. Still exist some good and kind good men around but unfortunately a lot of them married already HAHAHAHAHAHA. Recently, this year, 3 of my friends (girls) married already. Some of other girls envy and become hopeful that someday near, they will be married soon.

My cynical sense just laughing at them inside my introvert thinking. How come you are hoping a marriage with someone good enough if you don't make a move. In Indonesian idiom, it's like "trying for catching the wind". It's impossible. As for me, I am laughing at myself also, that my introvert thinking again said, "you will never go through that such a thing". First, I am afraid of relationship and marriage. Second, somehow I feel marriage is still far away from me. It's just a feeling. But I know it could be true, and it'll need a long long much time for me.

That's why I think an 'open relationship' is a good concept :D

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday to me. Another path of my life have passed. I'm 23 years old right now. It's far enough from being a teenager anymore. But also not old enough to be called as a mature. I'm not a girl not yet a women-Britney Spears said. Good thing to have a birthday in the last time of the year is, I can make an evaluation about my life and think deeply about occasions that happen a long the year. Of course lot of things happen this year. And I could say that 2010 is one of my best time ever.

I learn more about my own character, lesson in life, and new experiences also new friends and surroundings. In ordinary point of view, other can say, my life is not running well and there are some obstacles around. In beginning I'm wondering also, there's 'not-good' things happen in my life. But like I said in the first sentence, it's just an ordinary point of view. It's just me, the ordinary human wasn't understand anything about God's plan. Actually God is awesome, God's plan is marvelous, it's just me who don't understand.

Now, when I did a little flash back, those are good things for me. Those brought me to another journey, grew to develop to be a better person. Made me able to feel more new experiences. Without my past there will no current me now. I'm growing by all the incident whether it looks like good or not. Maybe you have already read my past post in these year, how's my life up and down and the pressure I had before.

It's still a long journey for myself. Not only to be a better person but also to reach my dreams. Also I hope I can help the poor people to develop a better life even though by the smallest action I can pursue. I realize that  life is not about only myself. How pitiful if I think that this world is that shallow.

Life is broad, there's a reason why I was born in this earth. I have mission and the mission is not only to have a good education, get a good career, have a wealthy life, married, have children, have grandchildren, and died peacefully. There should be something more than that and I'm still looking for it. Like I said before, it's still a long journey, and quote from The Beatles-It's a long and winding road.

Wish me always the best. Cheers :D