The Paradox of being a Bataknese

The Golden Time


I almost forget most of memory from my childhood. I don't know which one erased that, whether my conscious or the unconscious mind hahaha. I remember memory from my childhood at home briefly. However, the strongest impression I had in my childhood is when I confronted with my culture, Bataknese.

I was born and raised in Jakarta, from a 100% Batak blood family heritage. Lucky me, stayed in Jakarta helped me to build fondness in reading. Once in a month my family used to visit a bookstore in Blok M and my father would buy a book for me.

Furthermore, I read a lot of storybook, folktales, and bible stories which boosted my honour of chivalry, honour, and honesty. My readings, knowledge, and this courage sharpen me as a child who think first. I would ask so many questions until I got the point, and finally willing to accept it or not. My childhood is the first foundation where I learned and questioned many aspects in life, and it grows until now.

The little me and the adult me still until this moment, cannot accept a forced (one) way to communicate thoughts. It will never work. Including to understand my culture, Bataknese.

What is Bataknese?


So, what is Bataknese tribe? Just in case maybe you do not know yet or you are not Indonesian. Our Bataknese ancestors lived nearby Toba Lake in North Sumatera and our family line is forwarded through male domination (patriarchy). Even though I am the eldest between my brothers and sisters, seniority doesn't work by age in Bataknese family. You have to be male and voila you are the king of the house.

The little me, found out how my parents treated me differently to my brother. My brother could refuse to do something, and said no. Meanwhile there was NO negotiation for me. A request asked by my parents was an order. "Because I said so." maybe this is the perfect phrase to give you a way to picture this conventional Bataknese lifestyle.

One major power from Bataknese is our philosophy of life : Hamoraon (prosperity), Hagabeon (honour/respectfulness), Hasangapon (having descendants/son). Bataknese believe that we can fulfilled this mission of life by doing this "Anakkon Hi Do Hamoraon di Au". This phrase means my children are my treasure. We have the song also, btw.. You may check it here.

Based on this strong philosophy of life, Bataknese parents would do everything in power to have their children get best education in life. Their children is the family treasure! You might visit a Bataknese family house and found they have humble house in contrast with the elders' proud story about their children. If you have a time to stay longer, you might ask them. This is what commonly happened in Bataknese family, including mine.

The Paradox


The bright side from our Bataknese philosophy, the parents give the same chance to both daughter and son to pursue higher education. Compare to other tribes in Indonesia who doesn't give the same chance to get education for both genders, we Bataknese women are quite lucky in this side.

However, I found this is quite thrilling.

We are educated to understand things around us, to have wisdom of life so that we can pursue a 'proper' life and be a blessing to others. Furthermore, we, Bataknese are nurtured to be able speak up our mind. This combination later on could turn out to be outrageous when we learned that not everything taught by our parents and our culture is suitable with current world.

What will happen next, if you speak out your mind? As a little child I had NONE voice to tell my opinion. Parents are always right. But, as an adult woman, I have power to say "No" and stand to defend my causes.

These are several things I found troubled as a Bataknese who view it from gender equality. My apologise if you are happened to be a Bataknese also. You might want to give comment, this should be the conventional Bataknese ways. However, I am there for years, since my childhood. I was born and raised in the capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta. Moreover I worked in Timika, Papua for 5 years and these situations frequently remain:
  1. Blood line up and heritage are came from male line (patriarchy)
    NOTHING can be changed about it. You have to accept that.
  2. Bataknese man is strongly suggested to marry a Bataknese spouse, vice versa. Even in several conventional Bataknese families, it's a MUST.
  3. A Bataknese wedding should produce a son, more sons will be better. But a son is a MUST. You have no son yet? Try harder (or again). In worst case scenario, the husband could divorce the wife to marry with other woman for this purpose.
  4. Whatever, however knowledeable a woman is, she could not make decision. The husband would do, he is the king in the house. His will should be her command.
  5. The women place is in the kitchen. If we have a Bataknese community gathering or else, women should stand by in the kitchen, coordinate the man's gathering and fulfilled with numbers of snacks and coffee
  6. The boys could have fun with their playstation, meanwhile the girls have to be stand by in the kitchen
  7. Sons would be the most valuable treasure in the house and they might be free from domestic works at home : cooking, cleaning, or washing. If you find a Bataknese man who can cook, you meet a rare gem :)
  8. The one who made decision in family is father. If the father had passed away, this role would be replaced by the first son. Daughters have no voice to be considered.
  9. Ompung (grandparents) could stay in their children's house but he they have to stay longer in the first son's house. He is the leader of the family.

The Choices We Have


In my childhood, I felt mistreated differently compare to my brother and it shaped me to be the current me. I choose not to give up and defeated by conditions I had. Furthermore, I learned to appreciate others, be more perceptive about gender equality, and observe how Bataknese culture bump into it.

It is not easy to stand forward and tell your opinion to others, as a woman. Not every one can accept the fact that woman can be as smart as man. Be brave and confident to be yourself, break that border called, "... because I am a woman". Do something or not, based on your thoughts and consideration by logic. Do something because of the you, you.

If you prefer to remain silent, then be with it, but do not regret or grumble later on. Whatever people might say, their opinion never get off throughout our life. You are not people pleaser, or get blindfolded. Moreover, your always have these three reactions to answer life problem :
  1. be an optimistic (you can do EVERYTHING), 
  2. be a realist (you can do MOST of the things with consideration and risk taken) 
  3. be a pessimist (NOTHING you can do)
This is what makes life more interesting. I choose to be a realist! I am a Bataknese and it is a fact. Whatever who am I and what I do in life is made by my decision. I respect Bataknese culture but I open to modern advancement where the role of marriage should be a partnership between husband and wife.

Do not expect me to obey everything the (future) husband said without any strong reasons or logic. Do not expect me (only) to do the domestic house works without a help from (future) husband.

If all you need is a woman who is white (fair skin), looks good, can cook or cleaning the house, marry your rice cooker or hire a maid. You do not need a wife :)

The future family my (future) husband and me will have is: we will treat the (future) children equally. Sons might help cooking in kitchen, and daugthers could go outside the house to play football.

Do not force me to labour more than 4 children only to make sure we have son. I am human, not a 🐱

Really wish to have husband who is conscious that marriage is a lifetime commitment, respect, and work from both side : husband and wife.

This is an example how I made decision about my future life to overcome the chain of Bataknese culture. However, I am not exclusively criticise for Bataknese or other tribes culture. What I learn is to take positive lesson from your culture and improved the lack side of it. Your culture might shape you, but it's you who decide who you are, and what are you going to be.



Batam, 14 December 2018

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