Friska Notes

For me, promise is something important you have to fulfill. So, it's better for me to say "no", "later", or "not sure yet" than say "yes", "of course", and "absolutely" but not to do that. I'll try to keep my words as best as I can. I'll try to fulfill my promise, to best friends, friends, and even strangers. Even though, I also have a weakness where I can't fulfill one or two promises. Good thing is I still remember that, and I'll feel guilty.

One story about my promise, which the promise is happened couple years ago and just fulfilled recently, about 2 months before LOL!! Here's the story. Once upon a time, I did a sight-seeing in second hand book market in Pondok Cina (Pocin) area, in Depok. I saw an Asian travel book there. I was interested even did bargain. But at the time I didn't bring enough money, so I asked the seller to keep the book for me. On my way home (where I always do thinking hihihi), I thought the book might be already had out of date information since it was published on 1987. So, I cancelled out to buy the book. The problem is I've given my words!! And every time I pass the bookshop, I feel guilty and shame so that I don't dare enough to come to that place again. Until couple months before, a good friend of mine, asked me to accompany her to bookshops in Depok. And first of all, she wanted to check that second hand book market in Pocin! I've told my stories to my friend. She convinced me that after years, the seller would forget about me. I agreed to accompany her and waited in front of the bookshop. There were a lot of shelves stand in front of the bookshop, and I did sightseeing (again). I shocked out, when I found out that travel book still exist there, in front of my face. I thought, it's such a warning from God. I have to fulfill my words. So that, I've made decision, I'll buy that book (even though it was published on 1987). I asked my friend to do the bargain but she couldn't do it and suddenly the seller came out from the bookshop and greeted me!! The worst things are she's still recognize me not only as her subscriber but also as the one who already promised to buy that book!! GOD!! after years!! shame on me...

Another promise or a vow, I had made with God. I thought I've fulfilled that. But, I have to be wrong. I still don't fulfill my promise to God. I'm wrong and again Jesus gives me warnings-based on my discussion with priest. I don't know. I have been dizzy lately. I feel shame to God, I feel guilty, I think I have no way out. I don't want to face the ugly truth in front of me. I just want to escape, don't want to think about all, about my problems. I'm depressed, tired, and want to give up. I don't know how I should begin again my life. It feels everything I do seems doesn't right. Every thing I did just end up not well and still I feel stuck. I'm so dizzy to think about that all. My head is not ready for such complicated things in one place. I can't think. I can't feel. I can't move. I'm stuck here.